I Had a Night Terror

Sometime last week I dreamt that I was eating lunch in a restaurant no better than those in your bus average station. The decor was drab; the food bland, but inexpensive. Depressingly, this was a place I'd been to many times before, and I knew I would return to many times.

I'd been here often enough to know the cashier and to strike up a conversation as I paid my bill. We talked at length on the unfortunateness of the condition of the owner's daughter. The proprietor's were a mom and pop duo with well known eccentricities. These eccentricities, though not malicious, had had terrible affect on their daughter as she grew up in their care, and was now quite predisposed to histrionics and ironic comments.

The cashier spoke to me of another daughter the owner's had, which I had never heard of before. I was further suprised to learn that this daughter had not be made a secret of or anything, she was spoken of frequently and openly. Somehow I had just happened to miss all of it.

So I asked "What's her story?" expecting to hear of another child warped by unusual parenting.

"Nothing. Perfectly normal." the cashier said.

My business concluded at the restaurant, stepped out into the adjoining shopping mall. This particular portion of this mall featured a large opening in the second floor, for the people upstairs to look down on all the first floor shoppers, as well as allow the passage of escalators and a glass elevator. I was on the first floor, no doubt being looked down apon, heading what appeared to be a farmer's market inside the mall. This market featured all sorts of fresh, farm grown produce in dirty wooden bins, which was highly incongruous with the rest of the mall's clean and modern appearance.

This was a popular place, and plenty of people were milling about. One old fellow, small and thin with thick glasses and short white hair, did not appear to be there for the purpose of procuring produce. Instead, he was hurrying about the narrow lanes at unsafe speed with an empty shopping cart. Women and children were forced to scurry aside as he came barreling through. It would have seemed that he was deliberately trying to to hit people if there was any evidence that he was the least bit aware of their presence.

Anyway, regardless of the chaos and carnage being left in his wake, he continued to zip all over the place, never slowing or seeming to have any more purpose in mind.

But soon, some of the men in the area grew weary of this speedy menace and his antics. They gathered 'round him, stopping the elderly bullet train and is basket with a mighty laying on of hands. As he struggled vainly to free the shopping cart from the hands of these more muscular interlopers, the old man began to cry out in monosyllabic sounds. "AAAAA! EEEEE! OOOOO!" he shouted in protest.

As the vowels were being recited, another man appeared on the scene. This one, possessed of a died black bowl cut and a bizarrely pronounced pear shaped torso, I happened to know was called "Dangerous Dan". I had no idea, however, of what made him so dangerous. Nothing about his appearance offered any clues.

Dangerous Dan managed to pull the old fool away from his shopping cart and lifted him off of his feet. Then, flipping him upside down, in a piledriver-like manuever, bonked the old man's head aginst the ground. The old man, now rendered unconscious, was gently laid in a heap on the floor.

Bt this seemingly unnecessary violence turned the crowd aganst this would be savior. The old man, in their collective opinion, probably needed medication more than physical assault. So the throng of fellows who'd assembled to end the old man's rampage now took care of Dangerous Dan in much the same wasy Dangerous Dan had taken care of the old man.

Understandabley, Dangerous Dan protested loudly. "No! We tried to take it out! We tried to take it out... and we couldn't!" he said as he lay on the floor, next to the unconscious old man.

To the assembled onlookers, this made about as much sense as the old man's cries of vowels. But the meaning of this was known to me. What they had tried to 'take out' was a demon which had possessed the old timer. The attempted exorcism had failed, and they now had to curb his demon influenced behavior with whatever means available to them. I guess that included sending the old man off into dreamland.

As I stood by in the crowd, merely watching these events unfold, I suddenly became aware of the presence of some of my friends in the crowd. One of them turned to me and said "After this, let's go to Silver Shore".

I don't know what Silver Shore was, and never found out. That's when I woke up, and had to go to work. Something tells me I would have rather gone to Silver Shore.

Cosmic Rust pt IV

Despite all the troubles and tribulations I've had with computers, I've still managed to make an update every month since I started this blasted thing. So it seems altogether fitting that we open Q2 of 2006 with part 4 of Cosmic Rust.

Last time, Megatron, the victim of cosmic rust, had just decreed that the Stunticons be dispatched to abduct the brilliant Autobot scientist, Perceptor.

This time, we open looking down on Liberty Island while the Aerialbots engage in some high flying maneuvers. The Aerialbots are the Autobots team of heroic jet fighters, who were designed as a direct response to the Decepticons' air superiority. Additionally, these five warriors can merge together to form one gigantic robot, known as Superion. Smart money says Superion will be putting in his two cents later in the show.

"Come on, Aerialbots! We're gonna spray ol' Lady Liberty!" one of them enthusiasically announces. It's a good thing they didn't send the Catbots on this particular mission. Hilariously, one of the Aerialbots misconstrues the nature of the mammoth metal maid. "That non-functioning old robot?"

"She's not a robot!" Corrects the Aerialbot leader, Silverbolt, as they transform and land at the base of the pedestal. "She's a hollow statue the earth humans constructed."

It's not clear why he needed to point out that the statue is hollow or that humans are from earth. Perhaps this was to fill the educational quota required of all children's programming in the 80's. Whatever the case, Silverbolt's knowledge of earth's people and monuments appears to have been exhausted, and he speaks no more on the subject.

Instead, the camera pans skyward at the monument in question, and we can see that the other Autobts are already hard at work, coating the statue with what appears to be pesticide, but is presumabley Corrostop, while reverent music plays. The face of the big bronze bitch appears curiously flat and angular here, much like the faces of the titular robots. I have to wonder if the earlier statement of "She's not a robot!" won't turn out to be quite ironic in the course of this adventure.

Meanwhile, across the harbour, "Liberty Ferry" is rapidly approaching the island. While this doesn't seem particularly alarming, long time viewers will recognize that something is amiss with the first shot of the automobiles stowed aboard the deck of the ferry.

Actually, it suddenly occurs to me that there is something amiss with the very idea of transporting vehicles to Liberty Island. After all, it is a rather small island, and I don't believe you can drive around on it. But the notion of stowing your car on a boat, only be be forced to leave it behind, is not the greatest evil on display here.

We can immediately recognize the grey and purple semi truck as Motormaster, leader of the Stunticons. Like the Aerialbots, the Stunticons were designed to diminish the enemy's advantage in their strongest environment. In this case, we have five decepticons who transform into cars. Also like the Aerialbots, the Stunticons can combine into one extra large combatant; this one known as Menasor.

Even though the Aerialbots were made to fight Decepticon jets, and the Stunticons were made to fight Autobot cars, the Aerialbots and Stunticons are arch-enemies and fight each other all the time. Expect Superion and Menasor to thrown down during the exciting climax.

Curiously, from a distance, it looks as though the Autobots Bluestreak and Jazz are parked right next to Motormaster, though it is not clear whether it be as spies or traitors that they consort with the enemy. But we've only a moment to ponder this quandary before the scene changes, and we realise that neither treachery nor espionage were taking place, merely shoddy artistry.

The next scene is a close up on Motormaster, and the two vehicles in question, as they transform, and we can quite clearly see that they are actually Breakdown and Dead End, two of the Stunticons.

"This is a mutiny! No, no... a hi-jack! I mean we're taking over this boat!" declares Breakdown, ordering all the humans into the "Captain's cabin". I don't know if the captain of a ferry, who's voyages last maybe 20 minutes, rates a cabin or not, but then I bet Breakdown doesn't know either. Anyway, the motley mob runs inside to what I assume is the covered parking portion of the boat. It definately doesn't look to be the Captain's cabin, but Breakdown seems satisfied nonetheless, and seals the door behind them.

Somewhere nearby, Perceptor is speaking with a reporter about his fabulous new Corrostop. In case anyone has forgotten, he reminds us it will keep the statue safe from "...acid rain, or anything else that's harmful."

If I'd been sprayed with something that would keep me safe from anything harmful, I'd have done a lot of things differently, I can tell you. But I digress.

"How did you ever come up with the formula, Perceptor?" asks the reporter who, if this were another show, I'd swear was the Baroness in disguise. Even the question seems suspicious. But this is not that show, however, and I guess that question is only just as stupid, but no more sinister, than it seems. After all, it wasn't all that long ago that Perceptor declared the formula for Corrostop was a secret to keep it out of Decepticon hands. Must he do so again already?

"I must apologize, but I am unable to reveal anything about the compound."

Meanwhile, the Stunticons are fast approaching Liberty Island. Wildrider has procured from somewhere a speedboat, while Drag Strip has procured from somewhere a pair of transformer sized water skiis, and is now being towed by Wildrider's speedboat.

"Hey, fellows! Catch this wild action!" intones Wildrider, as though we haven't seen enough already. He says this without much enthusiasm, however, and we soon deduce why. This promised "wild action" consists solely of a moderately hard to port turn of the speedboat just shy of the island's edge, while the waterskiing Drag Strip is launched out of the water and onto dry land.

Drag Strip transforms into his car mode and tears around for a spell, terrorizing the reporter/ baroness, who lets out an inhuman screech before she flees into the distance. Drag Strip then drives in some circles around Perceptor, who is clearly miffed by this turn of events. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" he says.

Perceptor quickly proves his stuff by correctly assessing the situation. "A Stunticon!" he declares. Drag Strip transforms to fire on the intuitive Autobot. Perceptor then proceeds to demonstrate the limited scope of his "stuff" when, finding himself caught between Drag Strip and the open ocean, he announces "I'm trapped!"

But the ocean is not quite as open as it seems. It's still full steam ahead for Liberty Ferry, only now Motormaster stands atop it, whirling a length of chain over his head. Unsurprisingly, the chain, now sporting the ship's anchor, is thown, and wraps itself around the Autobot scientist, rendering him even more trapped than before.

It was while Perceptor was being liberated from his freedom that I noticed all the skyscrapers in the none too distant background. This got me to thinking, and I re-reviewed all the parts I've written about today, and realised that Perceptor is never seen among the Autobots on Liberty Island. And if he was on the island, why have the other Autobots failed to notice the attack on his person? So I must now conclude that Perceptor is not on Liberty Island, he must be on the mainland somewhere. If that's the case, then one must wonder what the Stunticons were doing on the ferry, which I assume goes nowhere but Liberty Island and back again. But I digress.

Anyway, Perceptor topples into the water as Motormaster hauls him in. "Help! Optimus!" he cries.

Blissfully unaware of all this, Optimus Prime and Ironhide , who definately are on Liberty Island, take a moment to stand around gazing at the colossal copper cunt and note "...the jobs almost finished" rather than just getting it done. This idle, self congratulatory reverie is rudely interrupted when the reporter/ Baroness/ not-quite-human comes running up and ... wait. Did she just run all the way from Perceptor, who is not on the island, to Optimus, who is on the island? If this is correct, then some kind of water walking ability may be indicated here. That might explain her seeming unearthliness. I wonder what it sounded like when Jesus screamed? But I digress.

She wastes no time in telling Optimus that Perceptor has been captured, even though it seems to me that she ran off way before that turn of events. Optimus, too, wastes no time.

"Aerialbots! Perceptor's gone! Transform... and find him!"

The Decepticons have already taken Perceptor... somewhere. It looks like it's still in the city, as evinced by the non-descript building in the background.

In the foreground is Blitzwing, the triple changer who famously converts from robot to jet to tank and back again! In this particular instance, Blitzwing is in his jet mode, demonstrating something else that the transformers show is famous for; size inconsistancy.

Most of the time, transformers turn into vehicles that, in a side by side comparison, are in all ways indistinguishable from their human manufactured counterparts. But sometimes a script will call for a vehicle that can accomodate a transformer as a driver or passenger. Needless to say, such a vehicle would be many times the size of a similar vehicle designed for human occupants.

A few lazy animators later, and one character or another, whoever best fits the vehicular requirements, has magically been granted the ability to change into a giant version of its normal vehicle mode. This magical ability is granted irregularly at best, usually whenever it can help speed the story through a boring part. However, if some drama or action might result from a lack of gigantic vehicle mode(GVM), then get ready for plenty of puny, human sized vehicles.

In this scene, Blitzwing is required to serve as a passenger plane. He is even shown with a stairway leading to a door in his fuselage, which is quite rare on most jet fighters. Presumabley, Blitzwing will be required to carry not only Perceptor, but the Stunticons as well, which means we are straying into the seldom employed Extra Gigantic Vehicle Mode (EGVM). Only Astrotrain is regularly called apon for EGVM. But since Astrotrain is also a triple changer, I guess there is a weak premise of logic at work in choosing Blitzwing as the EGVM substitute.

We see Perceptor being hustled up the stairs by Breakdown, while Dead End watches all this and quips "You've got an appointment with Megatron!"

What is all this leading to? You'll just have to wait!