What an exciting time it is to be alive. There's only two more months to go until the summer hollywood blockbuster of all summer Hollywood blockbusters; The Transformers. The whole world is practically re-energized with anticipation! I almost expect (Okay, only half expect) every vehicle I jump into (ie. City buses) to transform into a mechanized fighting alien, while I and the other passengers are transformed into wet, red goo by the robots' inner workings. But that is really neither here nor there.
Anyway, to capitalize on the ever growing excitement, it seems like an adept time for another installment of Cosmic Rust! It's been quite a spell since the last one, so let's refresh, shall we?
Megatron and the Decepticons journeyed to an alien world where they acquired not only an ancient and powerful weapon, but also a rare and fatal disease unique to mechanized lifeforms.
Fortuitously, the Autobot scientist Perceptor has just recently developed a cure, which the Decepticons abduct him for. Then, having utilized the cure, Megatron releases his captive, but only as bait to lure Optimus Prime into a trap that will infect all the Autobots with cosmic rust! Oh yeah, they used up all the cure already, and it's impossible to make more. It's gone forever.
There you have it... nice and concise. Let's get on with the clumsy wordiness, the needless asides, and litany of disabuses; Today's portion of Cosmic Rust!
Last time we left off with a timely commercial break. We now return to the Transformers" a voice announces and, sensibly enough, the action picks up right where it left off. Optimus stands before the restrained Perceptor, who is not only rusty, but also has a bomb, just in front of him, about to go off.
"No Optimus! Get back! Save yourself!" cries Perceptor.
"Be quiet... And that's an order." responds the commander, having no patience for the smug, pedantic diatribes that are the vice of self-important intellectuals everywhere. Optimus knows the other Autobots are watching, and knows they expect nothing less than a show of heroic selflessness. Optimus does not disappoint them. He immediately begins yanking on the ties that bind Perceptor, even as the bombs' fuse flares up ominously. There isn't much time!
Looking at it now, I'm not entirely sure the bomb can't just be picked up and thrown away. There's no real evidence that it is secured to the metal slab apon with it rests. Even the action gives us no clue, as Optimus doesn't even try to touch the bomb. I have to wonder if Megatron could really be dumb enough to just set the bomb there and hope that Optimus won't pick it up? No... wait. Perceptor would know. If the bomb could be moved or thrown, Perceptor would tell Optimus. Unless he were unconscious when the bomb was placed... fuck it. Just fuck it.
Getting back on track here, it seems that as little time as the Autobots have, they need even less, as the metal bars that constrain Perceptor succumb immediately to Optimus' strength. Perceptor transforms and the two friends start hoofing it like mad. Though they narrowly escape the fiery blast radius, the shock waves still knock them to the ground.
"You've got to leave me here,Optimus." Says Perceptor, like an old man. That cosmic rust must really be doing a number on him. "If I go back to headquarters, I could infect everybody."
The notion of exposing every one of his friends and comrades to a highly contagious, lethal disease, doesn't faze Optimus for a second.
""We're not leaving you anywhere, Perceptor." The Autobot commander vows. "You're coming with us right now."
Optimus lifts up Perceptor and carries him. End debate. End scene.
The next scene opens, and we see Optimus has made good on his word; Perceptor reclines comfortably on a "bed" with Optimus and Ratchet hover about him, while Wheeljack fusses with Teletran-1 in the background. For those not in the know, Ratchet is the Autobot's chief surgeon, and Wheeljack is their inventor of all sorts of weapons and devices of dubious reliability(ie. they don't work).
Perceptor gives them the low down on the cause and effect of cosmic rust. Optimus wonders about the diseases origins, to which Wheeljack opines "Maybe Teletran-1 can tell us."
Wheeljack starts pushing some buttons, and I have to wonder what it was he was doing there earlier because we can clearly see now that the viewscreen is dark; There's nothing on it. Regardless, Teletran's screen lights up almost immediately in response to this latest bout of button pushing, and we see an image of a planet that might just be the same one that the Decepticons visited at the start of the episode. Now it's fading away, but why... now there's some moons, or an asteroid... wait, what is... Okay. After a brief montage of spherical celestial objects, we now see the planet which was definitely visited by the Decepticons at the start of the episode. We can tell by the enormous glowing Autobot symbol it wears.
"The germs originated on a planet called Antilla." the super computer solemnly intones.
The image zooms in on Antilla, but is replaced what we can assume to be the surface of Antilla. Here we see a metallic cityscape with a generic robot marching about, while some others take a breather near by.
"At the dawn of time, there was a thriving Autobot civilization."
This is kind of a confusing claim. Was this civilization spontaneously created by the dawn of time? Or did this civilization existed before the dawn of time, and then just carried on right through the dawn of time? Is that even possible? The Autobots are less perplexed, or at least less interested, in this seeming conundrum, and let the statement pass unchallenged.
"Then dreaded asteroids began falling from the sky, to spread cosmic rust."
It's only my guess that he says the asteroids are "dreaded". That's what it sounds like to me, but I think it's a curious choice of qualifier. Unless the robots of Antilla knew there was cosmic rust on them. In which case, dread would be perfectly appropriate.
As the asteroids collide with the buildings, their descent is accompanied by a "swish" sound effect that would also used for a thrown object, or for swinging from a rope. The point is that the audios and the videos don't match up, and it's conspicuously inappropriate.
"No cure was ever found."
Optimus, Blaster, and Wheeljack, all now showing the muddy signs of rustiness, turn to look at each other in stunned silence. I suspect the Autobots might now be wondering if Optimus new about that part when he decided, on everyones' behalf, to bring Perceptor home. But just in case they aren't feeling bad enough about their situation, there's more.
"The thirteenth legion, the lost legion, was decimated by that malevolent scourge."
Now I've never heard of this thirteen legion before, but I'll bet the Autobots know who they were. Even if they didn't, Teletran's monitor gives us all a chance to get acquainted with a couple of the legionnaires as they topple over and disintegrate before our very eyes. Pretty heavy duty stuff on display here.
"Isn't there anything we can do to protect ourselves?" cries Wheeljack with dismay.
"Corrostop is the only known antidote." responds Teletran-1, emotionlessly.
"But we can't make any more. We're out of the secret catalyst." Optimus reminds everyone.
"Wait! I have an idea!" says Wheeljack excitedly, which the Autobots should regard as a cause for concern nearly as great as the cosmic rust itself. You know a situation is desperate when Wheeljack's mad antics and harebrained schemes are your only remaining ray of hope. Knowing this, what is it that has Wheeljack so worked up?
"We could try the matter duplicator!"
Um. Okay. I guess if anything's going to work, that'd be it. Optimus is first to point out the slight flaw in this plan.
"The matter duplicator. But it doesn't work. It never worked!" he says with exactly the amount of frustration you'd expect from someone who both owns a matter duplicator and cannot make it function. No doubt Optimus can think up all sorts of good uses for the matter duplicator. They could have probably used it to solve the problems of every episode.
In fact, I now think that it was unfair of me to earlier accuse the corrostop of being a Deus ex machina. The matter duplicator is far more deserving of that distinction.
I will predict, since it's unlikely
two solutions will present themselves this late in the episode, that the device will be repaired, and perform as required, only to melt, or otherwise be destroyed afterward, since it has never been referenced outside this episode. But fate of the matter duplicator, the fate of the Autobots,the veracity of my predictions, will all have to wait... until next time.
