If Wishes Were Bread, Jesus Would Turn Them into Fishes
Well, it's Christmas tomorrow, and I, for one, am totally psyched about it. I've been cosplaying as Parson Brown all week. I hope everybody has their Christmas wishlists all made up.If not, it's probably too late to get what you're asking for. Me, I wrote mine up months ago. I toned it down a bit this year, realizing just how good I have it compared to most of the rest of the world. So I decided to not ask for anything too extravagant.
1) Eternal Life. Pretty self explanatory; I don't want to die. I don't think this is too much to ask for. Even though I'm not really accomplishing anything worthwhile, I'm also not hurting anybody while doing it. There's a lot worse people to have kicking around forever than Yours Truly.
2) Some Magnesium. Remember how your chemistry teacher showed that, with just a little heat, it would turn into a brilliant white flare? It's pretty neat, and I was thinking just recently how I would like to see that again.
3) A Dead Old Woman. Sounds morbid, I know. But just listen for a second before you jump to conclusions. See, all my roommates went away on holiday vacation as of a few days ago. It therefore falls to me to feed their cats while they're away, and I'm already sick of it. A dead old lady's carcass just tossed out on the floor would give them something to snack on at their leisure, and solve my problems. As a bonus, it'll also help disguise the wretched odor from the litter boxes.
And since I'm here all alone with the cats, I'll maybe ask for one thing on their behalf:
4) A Pillow Shaped Like A Baby's Face: Everyone knows how cats love to sit on babies faces. Unfortunately, the baby sometimes dies and considerable time and effort is wasted trying to replace it. This present solves those problems. I don't know if anybody's invented these things yet, but if not, they should start. I realize it's sort of a niche market product, but it's always best to start out small and expand production later, should it be warranted.
That's it! I hope I get everything I want, and so do you. Meowy Christams!
1) Eternal Life. Pretty self explanatory; I don't want to die. I don't think this is too much to ask for. Even though I'm not really accomplishing anything worthwhile, I'm also not hurting anybody while doing it. There's a lot worse people to have kicking around forever than Yours Truly.
2) Some Magnesium. Remember how your chemistry teacher showed that, with just a little heat, it would turn into a brilliant white flare? It's pretty neat, and I was thinking just recently how I would like to see that again.
3) A Dead Old Woman. Sounds morbid, I know. But just listen for a second before you jump to conclusions. See, all my roommates went away on holiday vacation as of a few days ago. It therefore falls to me to feed their cats while they're away, and I'm already sick of it. A dead old lady's carcass just tossed out on the floor would give them something to snack on at their leisure, and solve my problems. As a bonus, it'll also help disguise the wretched odor from the litter boxes.
And since I'm here all alone with the cats, I'll maybe ask for one thing on their behalf:
4) A Pillow Shaped Like A Baby's Face: Everyone knows how cats love to sit on babies faces. Unfortunately, the baby sometimes dies and considerable time and effort is wasted trying to replace it. This present solves those problems. I don't know if anybody's invented these things yet, but if not, they should start. I realize it's sort of a niche market product, but it's always best to start out small and expand production later, should it be warranted.
That's it! I hope I get everything I want, and so do you. Meowy Christams!
posted by Jamie S. Luxton III | 7:58 AM
3 Comments:
Fucking awesome dude! I can't stop thinking about what you've written here! Best words ever!
Brilliant! Astounding! A POTUS armed with such fine wordery might slay an entire legion of press corps!
If your dead old lady turns into a zombie, it's gonna really suck.
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