State Your Case
One unanticipated effect of this damn little thing here is people from all over the globe are now soliciting my advice. Even people whom I've never met, and, in all probability, never will.
Now, those who know me best will also know that the best advice I can ever offer is "Ask someone else" because it is readily apparent that I haven't got a fucking clue. Or so I thought.
But with so many people now calling apon me to solve their problems for them, it seems I must reconsider my efficacy. So it's time for a new feature here, called "State Your Case". You have problems; I solve 'em. Let's get on with it.
Problem 1- I'm from India, and there's this hot black chick in my class with an ass like two pillows. Should I fuck her or what?
Solution - No. Think about it. Why is it that a purebred pooch is worth fat $$$, yet trying to make the human race into a bunch of mangy mongrels is somehow enlightened? Preserve racial purity, says I. I bet there's plenty of indian chicks with fat asses that nobody's doin'.
Problem 2 - I'd been living on the streets for almost 2 years because I couldn't function within societies restraints. I had a lot of unfocused anger and would blow up at the slightest provcation. that was until a kindly old man took me in andshowed me how to harness that rage in a practical, results oriented fashion. He recently confided to me that there was a psition in his organization opening up that he thinks I'd be perfect for. I think he's a Sith Lord. Should I accept?
Solution - I have a bad feeling about this. Explore options, including therapy, before committing to the dark side.
Problem 3 - When is it okay to practice the love that dare not speak it's name?
Solution - Never. The love that dare not speak it's name dares not for a reason.
PROBLEM OF THE MONTH
Problem 4 - God has been communicating with me directly ever sunday for about six weeks now. the thing is, He's always trying to get me to do chores on this day of resting. He said he send a plague of locusts into my yard if I didn't mend the fence. I think he's drunk. What do I do?
Solution - Dealing with the Divine Creator is a tricky busines at the best of times. One millenia He's dishing out earth shaking catastrophies, the next He's pretending to not exist. So it's hard to know how he'll react to your blasphemy, especially so early in a new milenium. If God is hitting the sauce again, though, it's probably best to get out the hammer and nails and have a coat of whitewash ready to go.
There you have it. Hope I've made the world a better place once again!
Now, those who know me best will also know that the best advice I can ever offer is "Ask someone else" because it is readily apparent that I haven't got a fucking clue. Or so I thought.
But with so many people now calling apon me to solve their problems for them, it seems I must reconsider my efficacy. So it's time for a new feature here, called "State Your Case". You have problems; I solve 'em. Let's get on with it.
Problem 1- I'm from India, and there's this hot black chick in my class with an ass like two pillows. Should I fuck her or what?
Solution - No. Think about it. Why is it that a purebred pooch is worth fat $$$, yet trying to make the human race into a bunch of mangy mongrels is somehow enlightened? Preserve racial purity, says I. I bet there's plenty of indian chicks with fat asses that nobody's doin'.
Problem 2 - I'd been living on the streets for almost 2 years because I couldn't function within societies restraints. I had a lot of unfocused anger and would blow up at the slightest provcation. that was until a kindly old man took me in andshowed me how to harness that rage in a practical, results oriented fashion. He recently confided to me that there was a psition in his organization opening up that he thinks I'd be perfect for. I think he's a Sith Lord. Should I accept?
Solution - I have a bad feeling about this. Explore options, including therapy, before committing to the dark side.
Problem 3 - When is it okay to practice the love that dare not speak it's name?
Solution - Never. The love that dare not speak it's name dares not for a reason.
PROBLEM OF THE MONTH
Problem 4 - God has been communicating with me directly ever sunday for about six weeks now. the thing is, He's always trying to get me to do chores on this day of resting. He said he send a plague of locusts into my yard if I didn't mend the fence. I think he's drunk. What do I do?
Solution - Dealing with the Divine Creator is a tricky busines at the best of times. One millenia He's dishing out earth shaking catastrophies, the next He's pretending to not exist. So it's hard to know how he'll react to your blasphemy, especially so early in a new milenium. If God is hitting the sauce again, though, it's probably best to get out the hammer and nails and have a coat of whitewash ready to go.
There you have it. Hope I've made the world a better place once again!
posted by Jamie S. Luxton III | 7:42 PM
2 Comments:
Problem- A unique birth defect has left me with a right hand on the end of my left arm and a left hand on the end of my right arm. This has made even the most mundane activies, (like video games or puting on a pair of sunglasses), very difficult. What's your advice on how to better my life?
note: surgery is not an option. God fucked me up for a reason and I will not mess with His creation.
You're in luck, I have no problems for you to solve.
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