Return of the

Thre's something that's been bothering me for quite awhile now. I am not speaking of the perpetual non-functioning of my computer, though that has been troubling me as well. I mean, how is it that a computer may spend over two months in a computer repair shop without nary a sign of repairedness?

My suspicions, based on much evidence but little investigation, is that this particular computer shop is crewed exclusively by computer retards, or "computards" as they shall be known henceforth.

Of course, there are always the conspiracy theorists who will take things too far, and say that this computer shop is nothing more than a front for practitioners of a bizarre fetish who need to surround themselves with as many computer towers as possible in order to get in the mood. Were this the case, then no doubt my computer, and many others like it, have seen more than their fair share of seedy motel rooms throughout the city. There, they stood in silent vigil as computards engage in the love that dare not speak it's name, until everything not wrapped in plastic is stained with their genetic code.

It's enough to make a person sick just thinking about it.

But, again, that's not what's really been bothering me. As you have no doubt surmised, I have ways around that problem.The thing that has my mind and body stymied is how can the Kool Aid Man smash through brick walls if he's only made of glass?

So far, I have only two possible solutions. One is that the kool aid inside the Kool Aid Man is moving with equal force in an opposite direction to the force of the impact with the brick wall. In theory, these two forces should cancel each other out, and thus the structural integrity of the Kool Aid Man remains uncompromised.

One can imagine the years of practice that would have been required, akin to that of the greatest martial arts masters, to perfect such a technique. I shudder to think on the grievous injuries this sentient pitcher must have inflicted on itself during the trial and error period. It is even more disheartening to know that the master of martial arts has wisdom and magic powers bestowed apon him by his years of experience, while the same effort and dedication netted the Kool Aid Man an exclusive contract as the corporate shill for Purplesaurus Rex.

The other possible solution that I have conceived is that the Kool Aid Man is not made of glass at all, but rather some more durable substance that, to the human eye, is indistinguishable from glass.

Lets look to Star Trek IV: A Whale of a Trek, for an example of what I mean.

In this particular adventure of the Starship Enter Prize, Scotty, the chief mechanic, conspires to undo the entire space-time continuum by inventing "transparisteel". Transparisteel, apparently, is some kind of metal, engineered in such a fashion as to have all the transparency of glass, while retail all the other good metal qualities.

I can't really recall if they actually say that transparisteel is made from actual steel or not. Sometimes, out of lazy language usage, a word with a narrow definition like "steel", is substituted for, and considered synonymous to, a more generalized term like "metal". They could have just as easily named the stuff "transpiron", which sounds a lot cooler to me anyway, without changing ingredients of the material.It seems this is a linguistic nightmare the galactic federation has done little to remedy.

If this is the case, and the Kool Aid Man is in fact made out of transparisteel, this raises more questions than answers. Are we to assume, then, that the Kool Aid Man is actually a part of official Star Trek continuity? Was he the one to defeat Khan and banish him from the earth? Was Scotty effectively responsible for the creation of Earth's greatest savior?

Unfortunately, this kind of speculation can only lend more unneeded wood to the fires of the "Should Scotty have done that?" debate that's currently burning up the internet. But a debate was inevitable, I guess. You can't fuck around with the space-time continuum with expecting the consequences to be dire.

One needs to look no farther than the early, abandoned script for Star Trek V to see the truth of this. In it, the heroes return to the future, only to discover that Scotty as erased himself from existence by changing history. Thus, he never invents transpiron, the whales aren't saved, and the earth is destroyed.

Later, Captain Kirk is drinking zarko on Sluptaar II, when he must activate his rocket boots to escape from the vagina of a gigantic iggyak. The resulting carnage attracts a frenzied pack of romulan sky sharks, who devour the erstwhile captain. The zarko coursing through the veins of the late James T. doesn't affect the sky sharks, but one of them later dies when it's intestines get blocked up by a rocket boot and it can't poop no more.

I know it sounds sort of weird all out of context like that, but if you go online and read the whole script for yourself, I'm confident that you'll vastly prefer it to what they really did.

Anyway, I'm certain I've yet to uncover all the possible sources for the Kool Aid Man's seeming indestructability. I promise you I'll be thinking strictly empirical thoughts on the matter, until I've found the solution to what may be the greatest mystery of out time.