Disappointment At It's Finest

One of life's most enduring mysteries is finding the right words to best express whichever particular dissatisfaction is affecting me at any given moment. Perhaps that is the reason for my penchant for pedantic rhetoric.

Whatever the case, it cannot be denied that our ability to complain is a God given right. Also given to us by God was Jesus. When thought about like this, it could be argued that complaining is next to godliness, or at least God was being extra generous at Christmas time, for both Jesus and complaining are essential components of the holiday season.

Now I'll be the first to admit I know fuck all about Jesus and his adventures. All I can really recall is that he was once the target of a scheme by Vandal Savage, so he must have been pretty important.

What I think I have made clear is that I do know a lot about complaining and, well, tis' the season. This is because Christmas is a time of expectations. Not only do you expect to find a bunch of cool shit for your own self under the tree, so do you also expect great gushings of praise and adulation for your superior gift giving abilities. But it was the great philosopher who said "Let whomsoever is expectant of generalities be dealt with in specifics."

Sound crazy? Take a moment to think about it and you'll see this is more true now than it was in his own time. Truly a visionary.

But back on track. So let's get on with some of my All-Time Greatest Yuletide Disappoinments.

The Golphin - In a fit of selflessness (I was young and naive), knowing how my dad loved golf and my mom loved dolphins, I proposed to my genecist Uncle that we create the golphin, an all white dolphin with little depressions evenly spaced over the entirety of it's body. Months of secretive research went by, until at last, my uncle declared success. A great to-do was had by all during the Christmas morning unveiling. My parents left it to me to grow them in a fish tank as my uncle had instructed. You can probably imagine my excitement has they grew from microscopic size to almost an inch long, when they promptly died (as did my excitement). Years later I would realise how I'd been duped when I found out what sea monkeys were.

Omega Supreme - The ultimate challenge to Devastator's battlefield supremacy. Imagine a rocket ship and it's launching pad with a motorized tank on a track defending the perimeter. Now imagine that all these components combine together into a mighty robot that shuffles about your residence, with lights and noises going all the while. Sounds pretty awesome, right? Well, there is one thing that is not awesome... finding no Omega Supreme under the tree.

Anti-Depressants - In a move of dubious necessity, shortly after my dad died, my mom sent me to a child psychiatrist to find out what I seemed so sad all the time. When that yielded results that did not meet her expectations, she started sending me to medical doctors for diagnosis. For a time she was worried that I might have a brain cloud. The thought of living with such a woman for the more than another decade made me wish for anti-depressants. This, too, did not come to pass. Instead, I got six pieces of Lego, which prompted me to empty the contents of a bottle of Tylenol into my tummy. I didn't get a headache for six years.

End to Cold War - Not really a disappointment, but noteworthy nonetheless. In fact, this one paid off in a big way. I'll consider my time on earth well spent even if this is my only contribution to the world at large. I'm glad I asked for this, and considering the direction the world was headed in, you should be, too.

Many Happy Returns - Christmas keeps coming back, meaning the accompanying dispondency and disillusionment are an annual event. Knock it off already. It's too early in the day to say what disappointments are in store, but once I find out, you will too.