If Wishes Were Fishes
Probably the most common thing you'll hear around the yuletide season, aside from some form of holiday wellwishing, is constant bemoaning of the increasing commercialization of the year end festivities.
While I have never really had much in the way of interest for the troubles of others, that doesn't necessarily invalidate those same complaints. Indeed, it does seem that the true meaning of Christmas is lost amidst the barrage of joyous advertising.
This, coupled with the stress of finding that perfect gift for everyone on your list, and the aggravating evil of holiday shopping itself, leaves one wondering if there is anybody left who truly enjoys Christmas besides the children.
Many are the people who say that Christmas is all about the children anyway. I say that this kind of thinking is actually a by-product of over commercialization. It seems to me that people who think Christmas is for kids are largely thinking about the giving and recieving of gifts, a condition brought on by the annual holiday advertising blitz. Unfortunately, the only people who get pure, unadulterated joy from this aspect of Christmas, for reasons stated above, are children. Seriously, have you ever met a kid who gave a rats ass about how much time, energy, and money you spent on getting them just the right thing?
If one were to look into the facts surrounding the origins of Christmas, they would find that it is not about children at all, or at least not exclusively. I checked my sources and even the most cursorary glance at "A Very DC Christmas (Chapter 12 of "A very DC New Testament")" reveals that Hawkman did not risk all to save the baby Jesus from the nefarious plot of Vandal Savage (masquerading as one of the wise men) for the sake of children alone. He did it for all mankind; those living and those to be born to future generations.
Still, it cannot be denied that one of the principle joys of the holidays is bearing witness to the "spastic delight response" children emit when exposed to "new toy stimuli".
I once had a roommate who went by the unlikely name of Kondor Blacksmith, who worked for the postal office. When kids sent christmas wishlists in envelopes addressed to "Santa", the postal employees considered that licence to open and read the contents, since they weren't really going anywhere. Usually, a good laugh was had by all at the absurdly materialistic and greedy nature
of the children's desires. Sometimes, though, a latter to Santa of such unusualness would appear, that Kondor would bring it home to share with us. I found some of these amongst my Christmas decorations yesterday, making my pitiful attempt to festivize the place. I used to put these on the mantle; now in a heap on the floor will have to do.
Anyway, in the giving spirit of the impending season, I thought I'd share some of these Christams Wishlists with you. Enjoy!
Dear Santa,
I hope things are good for you and Mrs. Claus, too. Things aren't so good here. Please send me a time machine for Christams(sic). I would use it to go back to the time of the dinosaurs because I don't think I would last 15 seconds there.
Rueben, age 5
Dear Santa,
What do I want for Christmas? Anything but another Liberal government!
Tabitha, age 8
Dear Santa,
My Mum's boyfriend is in jail right now because that's what I wished for last year because I said he raped me. Well, all I want for Christmas is to set the record straight. He just jizzed on my bumhole. He didn't put his turgid rodsteak in there or anything. I'm not sure if there's any distinction in the eyes of the law or not. At least my conscience is clear.
Donny, age 6
Dear Santa,
I've always asked for gifts in the past but this year I have just a small favour to ask and I hope you can help me out. Please ask the genie to let me re-do one of my wishes. I realise I wasted one by wishing for a shark for a foot.
Kari, age 14
Dear Santa,
How are you? I guess Christmas must be like halloween for you because you get goodies at every house you go to. That's nice. I hope you don't get diabetes. For Christmas, please give me a vagina. The other girls all laugh at my wee-wee.
Tom, age 10
Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas Santa! I hope you get lots of presents too! It gets snowy here. I want to taste a brain. Please send one so mom can cook it by dinner time.
Danielle, age 6
Dear Santa,
I don't want anything for myself because my Mom and Dad aren't happy right now. So I'll tell you what they want and maybe you can make that happen. My Mom wants a white Christmas and my Dad wants white supremacy. Please help.
Constance, age 9
There you have it. Maybe next time I will relate to you some of my own Christmas memories.
While I have never really had much in the way of interest for the troubles of others, that doesn't necessarily invalidate those same complaints. Indeed, it does seem that the true meaning of Christmas is lost amidst the barrage of joyous advertising.
This, coupled with the stress of finding that perfect gift for everyone on your list, and the aggravating evil of holiday shopping itself, leaves one wondering if there is anybody left who truly enjoys Christmas besides the children.
Many are the people who say that Christmas is all about the children anyway. I say that this kind of thinking is actually a by-product of over commercialization. It seems to me that people who think Christmas is for kids are largely thinking about the giving and recieving of gifts, a condition brought on by the annual holiday advertising blitz. Unfortunately, the only people who get pure, unadulterated joy from this aspect of Christmas, for reasons stated above, are children. Seriously, have you ever met a kid who gave a rats ass about how much time, energy, and money you spent on getting them just the right thing?
If one were to look into the facts surrounding the origins of Christmas, they would find that it is not about children at all, or at least not exclusively. I checked my sources and even the most cursorary glance at "A Very DC Christmas (Chapter 12 of "A very DC New Testament")" reveals that Hawkman did not risk all to save the baby Jesus from the nefarious plot of Vandal Savage (masquerading as one of the wise men) for the sake of children alone. He did it for all mankind; those living and those to be born to future generations.
Still, it cannot be denied that one of the principle joys of the holidays is bearing witness to the "spastic delight response" children emit when exposed to "new toy stimuli".
I once had a roommate who went by the unlikely name of Kondor Blacksmith, who worked for the postal office. When kids sent christmas wishlists in envelopes addressed to "Santa", the postal employees considered that licence to open and read the contents, since they weren't really going anywhere. Usually, a good laugh was had by all at the absurdly materialistic and greedy nature
of the children's desires. Sometimes, though, a latter to Santa of such unusualness would appear, that Kondor would bring it home to share with us. I found some of these amongst my Christmas decorations yesterday, making my pitiful attempt to festivize the place. I used to put these on the mantle; now in a heap on the floor will have to do.
Anyway, in the giving spirit of the impending season, I thought I'd share some of these Christams Wishlists with you. Enjoy!
Dear Santa,
I hope things are good for you and Mrs. Claus, too. Things aren't so good here. Please send me a time machine for Christams(sic). I would use it to go back to the time of the dinosaurs because I don't think I would last 15 seconds there.
Rueben, age 5
Dear Santa,
What do I want for Christmas? Anything but another Liberal government!
Tabitha, age 8
Dear Santa,
My Mum's boyfriend is in jail right now because that's what I wished for last year because I said he raped me. Well, all I want for Christmas is to set the record straight. He just jizzed on my bumhole. He didn't put his turgid rodsteak in there or anything. I'm not sure if there's any distinction in the eyes of the law or not. At least my conscience is clear.
Donny, age 6
Dear Santa,
I've always asked for gifts in the past but this year I have just a small favour to ask and I hope you can help me out. Please ask the genie to let me re-do one of my wishes. I realise I wasted one by wishing for a shark for a foot.
Kari, age 14
Dear Santa,
How are you? I guess Christmas must be like halloween for you because you get goodies at every house you go to. That's nice. I hope you don't get diabetes. For Christmas, please give me a vagina. The other girls all laugh at my wee-wee.
Tom, age 10
Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas Santa! I hope you get lots of presents too! It gets snowy here. I want to taste a brain. Please send one so mom can cook it by dinner time.
Danielle, age 6
Dear Santa,
I don't want anything for myself because my Mom and Dad aren't happy right now. So I'll tell you what they want and maybe you can make that happen. My Mom wants a white Christmas and my Dad wants white supremacy. Please help.
Constance, age 9
There you have it. Maybe next time I will relate to you some of my own Christmas memories.
posted by Jamie S. Luxton III | 10:03 AM
8 Comments:
Dear Santa LaVey, I would like to have my neighbour's Xmas lights removed. It's all very tastefully done but it's burning my eyes. Love, Get Me The Hell Out Of The Burbs, age 34.
Dear Santa,
I know I haven't been the best little girl this year, but I sincerely hope I'm not on your naughty list. All I want for Christmas is a true feeling of joy, and by that I mean that I want my rash to clear up. Oh and if it's not too much trouble, I wish that I weren't dead.
Luv Alison, age 30.
I want shazamike to get on my blog and post my real name, like I dreamed he did. Or, I want to see what someone who writes this stuff looks like.
Dear Santa,
this year, I'm not going to ask for anything for myself. I only want that this world would be a better place. I think the best way to accomplish this is to kill all the morons and idiots out there. I figure you're one to tell this to since you're going to be in their homes at night when they are asleep. So you can... you know... take 'em out. Gangsta style.
Dear Santana,
All I want for Christams is for you to stop playing the guitar with a-holes.
Love The Populus
Man... it's taken me 3 months, but I finally got through "Connecting Howards." (see July and August blogs)
It took a long time and definately wasn't worth it. Although the character "Howard" (the one with a glass eye) is intriguing and reminds me kinda of you.
Kate seems pretty hot. If only she'd like robots...
Dear Santa,
I'd really like my fingers back.
Sincerely, Y.H.
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