In the News

I normally don't like to get busy addressing anything so topical and transitory as current events. My natural style tends towards a more timeless elegance than news reports allow for. Nevertheless, despite my best intentions, now and again a story will come along that it is absolutely imperitive that I comment on.

As I perused the double sized weekend edition of my local free newspaper, called "The Weekender" by no one but myself, I was relieved to see that the curtain had closed on the okanagan's latest, real life political drama. Former mayor of Vernon, Sean Harvey, was found guilty this week of charging $13 800 in personal expenses to the city.

Now, I've never been any kind of fan of this perpetually wet and doughy man; I'm glad to see him go down in a hail of shame. Not only his conduct shameful and embarassing to the reputation of good mayors everywhere, but it is even more shameful and embarrassing to evil mayors as well. Not only did he steal a meager, paltry amount, but he also wept and blubbered once caught. No doubt this sort of rediculous display plays well with the histrionic ladies and homosexual constituents, but an informal survey conducted by yours truly finds that such behavior is widely considered repulsive and loathsome.

But perhaps Mayor Harvey's most greivous ineptitude at playing bad mayor was his negligence in invoking his mayoral authority to avoid prosecution within the city limits. It's like diplomatic immunity for mayors. The law has no ability to cause the mayor toabdicate his throne. Unless it went down like this:

Trouble in a Small Town

Act 1, scene1:

3 police officers stand at the front door of a large white house. One of the officers, CHIEF O'BRIEN, knocks solidly upon the door three times. A momment goes by before the doors opens slightly, and an OLD LADY pokes her head out.

CHIEF O'BRIEN - Good Evenin' to ye, ma'am. Might yer son be at home?

OLD LADY - Goodness, of course... it's past his curfew. Just a moment.

The Door shuts quietly.

CONSTABLE 1 - You sure this is the right thing to do, Chief? It doesn't feel right.

CHIEF O'BRIEN - Aye, it don't feel right to me either. But a crime has been committed anyou're all good lads... with a job to do.

The door opens again. This time, it's the MAYOR.

MAYOR - They got you on foot patrol again, Chief? I didn't know this house was on your beat.

ALL laugh.

CHIEF O'BRIEN - Nay, Mr. Mayor. I wish it were as simple as all that. 'Tis be a serious matter that finds me on yer doorstep.

MAYOR (sweating) - Oh? What would that be?

CHIEF O'BRIEN - For monies fraudulently gained, and breach of trust with the good folk of Vernontown, in the name of the law,I hearby place ye... under arrest.

MAYOR - The law? I AM THE LAW!

CHIEF O'BRIEN - Well it was worth a shot. Come on boys, drinks are on me!

(From off stage) - ALLAHU ACKBAR!!!

A dishevelled man with dark hair and desert coloured skin and clothes streaks across the stage towards the others. He is wearing dynamite around his waist.

CHIEF O"BRIEN - Get down, lads!

The MAYOR, and CONSTABLES 1 and 2 get down on the ground. Chief O'brien throws himself on top of the suicide bomber as he draws near. As they hit the ground, there is an explosion. The MAYOR and the CONSTABLES get up and gather around the smoking crater where Chief O'Brien met his fate.

CONSTABLE 2 - He saved our lives.

MAYOR (teary eyed) - Yes. He has nobly sacrificed himself so that we may live. And for what? So that I may go on stealing from the good people of Vernontown? No. I will submit myself to your custody. The courts will decide the rest.

The MAYOR and the CONSTABLES bow their heads and raise their voices in song.

ALL -

O Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling

From glen to glen and down the mountain side

The summer's gone and all the rose's falling

'Tis you, 'Tis you must go and I abide.

That's how I figure it must have gone down. But when it comes right down to it, really, who cares?