Cosmic Rust pt. V

In honour of the upcoming Transformers movie, and it now being Q3 of 2006, I think it best that I now detail some more of Cosmic Rust. With any luck, the final Cosmic Rust update will be timed to coincide moderately well with the movie's premiere. So let's not waste any time!

Last time, the Stunticons and their prisoner, the Autobot scientist Perceptor, were seen boarding Blitzwing, the sometimes gigantic jet fighter with room for passengers. A commercial break ensues. When we return, we see Blitwing take off... into adventure! Actually, he kind of just flies from one side of the screen to the other, but goes behind one lonely, extra tall skyscraper while doing so. So it's better than watching Atari games, but still no great moment in cinema.

"There's Blitzwing!" shouts an off screen voice almost at the exact same moment Blitzwing disappears. As for who the speaker is, it's clearly one of the Aerialbots, but their voices are all just a little too similar for me to tell them apart.

"And I'll bet my tailfin he's got Perceptor!" says... one of the other Aerialbots. Well, I'll see your tailfin and raise you my rear stabilizer. Actually, no I won't, since I already know that he's exactly correct. Anyway, the Aerialbots engage in hot pursuit of the evil jet.

Blitzwing, however, knows he's being followed, and makes with the evasive manuevers, flying down to street level and causing a crowd of humans to scatter. The slowpoke of this bunch is a curious fellow who's hair, sweater, and pants are all the exact same shade of brown. What's even more curious is that this day appears much too pleasant to be parading around in a sweater. Keeping in mind this adventure took place twenty years ago, I wonder if this guy now goes around in grey sweater and pants ensembles, to match his now grey hair. Or if bald, would he have joined a nudist colony? But I digress.

Incidently, in the background of this scene, back where Blitzwing came from, there is one lonely, extra tall skyscraper. There's no way to know if it's presence there is intentional, but if it is, then it's a small detail that creates a nice continuity between this scene and the previous one.

A montage of aerial acrobatics amongst the buildings of New York follows, while exciting music plays. Finally Blitzwing rockets from between the skyscrapers and out over the waters of the bay. Presumabley, he's heading out to the open ocean waters, at the bottom of which is where Decepticon headquarters lies.

As he goes well beyond city limits, somebot announces "Hurry! He's getting away!"

"Then let's fly!" Says Slingshot, the only distinctively voiced Aerialbot, with gritty determination. I guess he means this as some sort of rallying cry or something like that, but it falls flat and is pretty lame. I have little doubt that if the scene had continued, rather than cutting away immediately, we would have witnessed a long, uncomfortable silence amongst the Aerialbots. Plus it just sounds weird coming from Slingshot, who is the team's
"guy with severe self-confidence issues and hides it by acting like a jerk".

Anyway, the next scene begins and we see Blitzwing in the foreground, with the Aerialbots flying in a tidy formation in the not too distant background. It's not entirely clear to me what their plan of action is. They can't attack Blitzwing over the open water, since their mission is to save their friend. But neither are they likely to have much luck attacking the Decepticon base, which is not easy accessed.

Despite his clear advantage, Blitzwing decides to tip the odds further into his favour and radios into base. "I have Perceptor but the Aerialbots are following me! Ready air defenses!" he says as we have a look inside his cockpit, which, even with a chair for a pilot (unoccupied, since he's fully capable of flying himself), is quite roomy and spacious.

The ocean churns and roils as a gigantic purple tower emerges from the depths. The Decepticons have a fondness for building things out of purple metal, and this tower is no exception. This tower, although impressive, is really nothing more than a glorified elevator that conveys the Decepticons back and forth from their base to the surface. A hatch opens up in the side of the tower and a couple of Decepticons wheel out their newest acquisition; the lightning bug.

"They're on my tail!" cries out Blitzwing needlessly, as the Decepticons, who we can now see are Dirge and Ramjet, open the wings of the lightning bug, causing energy to shoot forth.

"Come a little closer, Aerial-Mothes, and get your wings singed!" taunts Blitzwing as he lands. Ill- advisedly, the Aerialbots do just that, and are soon worse the wear for their efforts. Even a barrage of missiles is shot down by the insectoid weapon. Perceptor, apparently free to wander about Blitwing's interior, watches with horror from the cockpit as his comrades are forced to retreat.

Finally, for the first time since "Then let's fly!", an Aerialbot speaks.
"It's some weird kind of heat ray!" one of them says.
"And it works!" says another. Or maybe it was the same guy. I really can't tell. Either way, there was little need too say it as the thick black clouds of smoke trailing from these guys is more than ample testimony to this fact.

"Notify Prime!" says their leader, Silverbolt, in his sometimes distinctive voice, as they depart the area and the tower returns to the depths from whence it came.

Inside the Decepticon base, purple doors whisk open and Perceptor is shoved through by Dirge and Ramjet. Then we realise that this is the room where Megatron awaits.

"Welcome, Per- cough- Perceptor." he says. Yes, he must be in bad shape. Still he sits with his back to us, letting hyperactive minds conjure up all manners of horrific visions that the cosmic rust must have wreaked apon the villain's countenance.

"Please, dispense with the formalities." rebukes the insolent scientist. "You are my mortal enemy..."

Megatron turns. This is it... the big reveal. It happens so fast and unexpectedly that I haven't any warning to pause it and steel my resolve to go on. So it's fortunate than Megatron turns out to look not that bad at all. Much like the doomsayer-bot from the beginning, he looks like he got splashed with a little mud. And there's some sqiggly lines that might be giant cat hairs or some such.

I mean, I know it's probably not cat hairs, but when you live in a house with three cats like I do, you start seeing cat hairs everywhere, and it's enough to drive you out of your mind.

Dirge and Ramjet, however, evince much horror at their leaders appearance. And I guess, when I think about how I would feel if somebody suddenly turned around, and they were all covered in cat hair, I can relate to what they are feeling.

"You have a unique opportunity, Perceptor. To gain peace, in return for a favour."

"What sort of favour?" scoffs the famously intelligent Autobot. It seems he must have checked his deductive abilities at the door... any fool could guess what Megatron wants. Perhaps he's just being coy. Nevertheless, Megatron spells it out for the scientist, that he wants a cure.

"If you're serious about peace, Megatron, then begin by surrendering your new weapon."

Here, I expect, is where the cartoon rules about scientific characters will come into effect. For another cartoon rule is that negotiations will always fail because villains never keep their word. Perceptor is likely too naive to be aware of this fact, being closeted up in his laboratory all the time, so his stint as a diplomat will be undistinguished at best. In fact, the only difference between an expert negotiator, like Optimus Prime, and an unskilled one, is that the expert always expects some trechery and formulates a backup plan accordingly.

"If you cure me, the weapon is yours."

Satisfied, Perceptor transforms to microscope mode to more closely examine Megatron's condition. Under intense magnification, the cosmic rust looks like puddles of green slime with an eyeball in the center.

"You've been infected with a metallic plague, Megatron." notes the scientist with interest.

"Impossible!" asserts the Decepticon leader, in spite of the ample evidence. Megatron claims that only organic life can be infected with disease, but Perceptor is quick to inform him that metallic diseases are rare, but real. Of the disease in question, he notes "Legend has it that it wiped entired races of robots, like the black plague did to humans." I guess the educational quota hadn't been filled as I earlier thought. Still, I guess there are worse ways to get kids interested in history than starting with the parts where lots of people died. And this is definately better and more tasteful than the episode where Blaster raps to Spike about how the holocaust never happened.

Perceptor makes his diagnosis. "It's cosmic rust."

Sometime later, in the Decepticon laboratory, colours whisk about in glass pipes, the lightning bug sits idlely nearby, while Perceptor announces his findings to to Megatron, Starscream, and Rumble. It appears that there might be some splotches on Starscream here. If so, it's the first indication that Megatron is not the only one infected.

"This is what caused the problem." syas Perceptor, holding a piece of the asteroid (that followed Astrotrain) on a small tray.
"The asteroid that hit you is covered in cosmic rust germs." says Perceptor.
"Cosmic rust germs?" Says Megatron.
"Yes." says Perceptor. "And, the germs have been feeding off an alien energy source. I sense energy..."
Perceptor does a little energy detecting routine, wandering about until he winds up right next to the lightning bug. "... here."

The Autobot scientist declares that the bug is making the infections worse, and should be destroyed before he attempts a cure. Unsuprisingly, this all seems nore than a little fishy to the leader of the Decepticons. "That is not our agreement!"

Megatron's outrage at this perceived duplicity should not be misconstued anything grounded in honour or integrity. He simply hates being out-machiavellianized.

"Cure me! Cure me now!" he demands, throwing a little tantrum and waving his arm about until his hand falls off.

I can't say for certain how I'd react if my hand came off, so I also can't say for certain whether Megatron's reaction, which is to throw the hand out into the middle of the floor, is entirely appropriate or not.

Perceptor, howver, is suprising nonchalant about picking up the diseased, severed appendage. He quickly reveals the reason behind his casual disregard for his own well-being... he has a death wish. No, that's not it. It's because he happens to have a little vial of corrostop with him.

"Perhaps a few drops of this will help."

It does, and within a few seconds, Megatron's hand is as shiny and new as the day it was manufactured. This also must seem suspicious to Megatron; that Perceptor has been carrying around an instant cure on his person the whole time. But right now he's none too concerned by the Autobot's apparently dishonourable nature.

"What is that?"he demands to know. Perceptor is suprisingly eager to talk about his secret invention. "I call it corrostop. It is amazingly effective."

"Give me that!" says megatron, snatching away the vial with his reattatched hand. He pours the stuff on himself until he can see his own reflection in himself.

"Decepticons! We are about to be cured!"

Oh, Perceptor. You stupid, stupid fuck.

More Next time!