Injustice Prevails
To: Aref Shahin, Chief Justice of Iraqi Appeals Court
cc: Saddam Hussein, Defendant; The Internets
From: Jamie S. Luxton III, A Guy For the Defense
Re: Appeal Rejection
Dear Mr. Shahin,
How are you? I hope you and your family had a merry christmas! Did you get anything cool?
Mine was alright. It's kind of a mixed bag when you get together with your family and friends and have a great time, but there's this melancholy feeling when suddenly you realize how rarely you get together. Why do you have to wait until Christmas? Why can't you get together all the time, right? It's weird.
I also kind of hate how the spirit of Chrismas continues to be lost amidst all the commercialization. I'm not religious myself, but Christmas always reminds me that Jesus was a pretty cool guy. He kind of reminds me of Superman, except Superman has better powers. Still, say what you will, powers are powers, and Jesus used his only in the cause of good.
If I had the powers of Jesus, I dunno. I'd probably end up swiping a motorcycle or something. If the cops caught up with me, I'd turn their water into wine, and instead of arresting me, we'd party!
Anyway, yesterday, I was enjoying my second viewing of Casino Royale. Have you seen it? I think it's a serious contender for best Bond ever. But who do you think Mr. White was, and what was the organization he worked for? It makes me curious. Plenty of fodder for future episodes, I hope.
However, my enjoyment, and that of the people near my, was diminished by an unfortunately timed ringing from my cellular telephone. You can imagine how may dismay was further compounded by the text message my phone displayed; "Hussein Appeal Rejected".
Mr. Shahin, you know me well as the man who represented Mr. Hussein during his appeals trial. Even though I do not have a licence to practice law in my, or your, or any country, I am well known throughout the internets as master wordsmith. Just yesterday, I was commended for my talents by no less a person than the former President of the United States, Gerald Ford. It was on this reputation that Mr. Hussein retained me as his legal council.
Anywho, as the defendants' representative, I must inform you of my disappointment in your condemning my client to death. I am very, very disappointed, and I'm confident that my client feels the same way.
It was not your decision to invoke the death penalty, I know. But you will be just as resposible for his death by doing nothing when you had the chance to stop it. I realize you are well within your authority to let him die. But comes to mind the words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, famed chaos theorist from Jurassic Park. Though I am no fan of the decision to have Jeff Goldblum to play this character( I'll bet you're no fan, either), his words haved stayed with me all these years,and not just because I plagiarized them extensively for a high school assignment.
His thesis, boiled to its' essence, is that just because a thing can be done, it does not mean it should be done. These words are as relevant to our situation as they are to the cloning of dinosaurs.
But there is no science to the disbursement of justice. It is all guesswork and assumption. Even though I do not understand your legal system, by Canadian standards, I think I did a pretty good job of establishing my clients' innocence in this matter. Let me refresh your memory.
In this matter of ordering the deaths of 148 people in the town of Dujail, in the year of 1982, I feel that Mr. Hussein made clear that, at the time these orders were given, he was "in the tub". Exibit J, a jar of dirty bathwater from the date in question, firmly establishes his whereabouts. Clearly, these orders could not have been given from a bathtub.
Furthermore, exibit S, some used kleenex, confirms that President Hussein was, in fact, suffering from a cold on the date in question. Any orders he did give on this day could easily have been misheard by his minons amidst all the hacking and coughing. DNA tests, conducted by scientists no less, prove that the dried out phlegm originated nowhere else but the very lungs of Mr. Saddam Hussein. Carbon dating, also conducted by scientists, confirm the the tissues were from 1982.
I even went to the trouble of locating, and bringing before the court an expert witness, the Hermit Meteorologist. He stated, under oath, that the town of Dujail was the site of unique weather patterns, including bullets falling from the sky like rain, and that this was part of the normal climatology of the region. It seems cruel, but God wants it that way.
And so it was that I introduced exibit L, The Old Testament, as further proof of the cruelties God is capable of. So, while it in no way diminishes the tragedy of so much death, it must really be asked, when people take it apon themselves to live in defiance of the Wrath of God, who do we blame?
President Saddam Hussein? I think not.
When you take the time to review the facts, Chief Justice, I think you will guess the defendant is not deserving of such a harsh and unforgiving penalty.
Anyway, thanks for your time. Please enjoy the enclosed Rolex and "Quality Street" chocolates with my compliments. Spreaking of which, if you like gold, I happen to have some bullion that I'm not doing anything with. Let me know if you're interested.
Yours Truly
Jamie S. Luxton III
A Guy for the Defense
cc: Saddam Hussein, Defendant; The Internets
From: Jamie S. Luxton III, A Guy For the Defense
Re: Appeal Rejection
Dear Mr. Shahin,
How are you? I hope you and your family had a merry christmas! Did you get anything cool?
Mine was alright. It's kind of a mixed bag when you get together with your family and friends and have a great time, but there's this melancholy feeling when suddenly you realize how rarely you get together. Why do you have to wait until Christmas? Why can't you get together all the time, right? It's weird.
I also kind of hate how the spirit of Chrismas continues to be lost amidst all the commercialization. I'm not religious myself, but Christmas always reminds me that Jesus was a pretty cool guy. He kind of reminds me of Superman, except Superman has better powers. Still, say what you will, powers are powers, and Jesus used his only in the cause of good.
If I had the powers of Jesus, I dunno. I'd probably end up swiping a motorcycle or something. If the cops caught up with me, I'd turn their water into wine, and instead of arresting me, we'd party!
Anyway, yesterday, I was enjoying my second viewing of Casino Royale. Have you seen it? I think it's a serious contender for best Bond ever. But who do you think Mr. White was, and what was the organization he worked for? It makes me curious. Plenty of fodder for future episodes, I hope.
However, my enjoyment, and that of the people near my, was diminished by an unfortunately timed ringing from my cellular telephone. You can imagine how may dismay was further compounded by the text message my phone displayed; "Hussein Appeal Rejected".
Mr. Shahin, you know me well as the man who represented Mr. Hussein during his appeals trial. Even though I do not have a licence to practice law in my, or your, or any country, I am well known throughout the internets as master wordsmith. Just yesterday, I was commended for my talents by no less a person than the former President of the United States, Gerald Ford. It was on this reputation that Mr. Hussein retained me as his legal council.
Anywho, as the defendants' representative, I must inform you of my disappointment in your condemning my client to death. I am very, very disappointed, and I'm confident that my client feels the same way.
It was not your decision to invoke the death penalty, I know. But you will be just as resposible for his death by doing nothing when you had the chance to stop it. I realize you are well within your authority to let him die. But comes to mind the words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, famed chaos theorist from Jurassic Park. Though I am no fan of the decision to have Jeff Goldblum to play this character( I'll bet you're no fan, either), his words haved stayed with me all these years,and not just because I plagiarized them extensively for a high school assignment.
His thesis, boiled to its' essence, is that just because a thing can be done, it does not mean it should be done. These words are as relevant to our situation as they are to the cloning of dinosaurs.
But there is no science to the disbursement of justice. It is all guesswork and assumption. Even though I do not understand your legal system, by Canadian standards, I think I did a pretty good job of establishing my clients' innocence in this matter. Let me refresh your memory.
In this matter of ordering the deaths of 148 people in the town of Dujail, in the year of 1982, I feel that Mr. Hussein made clear that, at the time these orders were given, he was "in the tub". Exibit J, a jar of dirty bathwater from the date in question, firmly establishes his whereabouts. Clearly, these orders could not have been given from a bathtub.
Furthermore, exibit S, some used kleenex, confirms that President Hussein was, in fact, suffering from a cold on the date in question. Any orders he did give on this day could easily have been misheard by his minons amidst all the hacking and coughing. DNA tests, conducted by scientists no less, prove that the dried out phlegm originated nowhere else but the very lungs of Mr. Saddam Hussein. Carbon dating, also conducted by scientists, confirm the the tissues were from 1982.
I even went to the trouble of locating, and bringing before the court an expert witness, the Hermit Meteorologist. He stated, under oath, that the town of Dujail was the site of unique weather patterns, including bullets falling from the sky like rain, and that this was part of the normal climatology of the region. It seems cruel, but God wants it that way.
And so it was that I introduced exibit L, The Old Testament, as further proof of the cruelties God is capable of. So, while it in no way diminishes the tragedy of so much death, it must really be asked, when people take it apon themselves to live in defiance of the Wrath of God, who do we blame?
President Saddam Hussein? I think not.
When you take the time to review the facts, Chief Justice, I think you will guess the defendant is not deserving of such a harsh and unforgiving penalty.
Anyway, thanks for your time. Please enjoy the enclosed Rolex and "Quality Street" chocolates with my compliments. Spreaking of which, if you like gold, I happen to have some bullion that I'm not doing anything with. Let me know if you're interested.
Yours Truly
Jamie S. Luxton III
A Guy for the Defense
posted by Jamie S. Luxton III | 10:05 AM
4 Comments:
My representative, Mr Phoenix Wright, Ace Attourney, has this to say about your words here, Mr Luxton: (copy and paste into another browser tab)
http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1618255
best Bond ever!
Man, I wish he'd been on the prosecution! He's that good!
No... no. This isn't right. This is wrong.
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