Cosmic Rust pt. VI

Since there's nothing of importance going on the real world these days, it's time once again to delve into the adventures of those Cybertronians we know and love so well. If you've got no idea what I'm talking about, you need to go back and read the updates entitled "Something New" and "Cosmic Rust pts. II - V". Now, without further delay, on to "Cosmic Rust pt. VI"!

When last we left, we bore witness to Perceptor unwisely revealing the wondrous nature of Corrostop to Megatron, not only curing the Decepticon leaders' cosmic rust infection, but also allowing him to retain his new and terrible lightning bug weapon.

We begin this time, looking into space, somewhere between Earth and Mars, watching the Autobot called Cosmos. Cosmos is a fat little guy who turns into a green spacecraft, best described as a U.F.O. It is in this mode that we see him rocketing towards our planet with Blaster along for the ride inside. Cosmos speaks.

"Blaster, I have something terrible to report! There is no more Ingredient X... anywhere."

I also have something to report. I have no idea what is going on here. Conventional wisdom suggests that Cosmos is just return from a mission, and the purpose of said mission was to search for "Ingredient X". It also seems logical to assume, based on what we are seeing, that Blaster had been sent with Cosmos on this same mission, since, as a ghetto blaster, Blaster is poorly equipped to locomote about the galaxy by his lonesome. But if this is all true, then there is no need for Cosmos to now report the missions failure to Blaster, because Blaster was there for the whole thing... he knows already!

There is another possibility, however. What if Blaster had been on vacation or something, and in the face of this Ingredient X crisis, all leave has been canceled. In this scenario, Cosmos was merely sent to retrieve Blaster from his furlough. When Blaster inquires as to the reason his holiday was cut short, Cosmos says " Blaster, I have something terrible to report..."

This second situation actually makes a lot more sense, and fits the scene a lot better than the first scenario does, which had been my interpretation up until now. Whatever the case, Blaster responds "Man, O man, Primes' really gona have the blues when he hears this news. There's nowhere to shop for more Corrostop!"

Ah! So now we know that this mysterious Ingredient X is, in fact, a necessary component in the formula for Corrostop! But now there is no more Ingredient X! The plot thickens!

Meanwhile, at Cosmos' presumed intended destination, the Autobot headquarters, the Aerialbots have returned after their sound defeat.

Like the Decepticons, the Autobots dwell in a crashed spaceship. The difference is that the Decepticons' ship crashed into the ocean after trying to leave the Earth. The Autobot ship, christened The Ark, is the very ship that brought the Transformers to Earth, crashing into a volcano some four million years ago. The Ark features such amenities as Teletran-1, a supercomputer that launches spy satellites and is a vertible fountain of logical deduction. Also, like most Autobot equipment and property, the Ark is made almost entirely of orange metal.

Inside the Ark, Optimus Prime listens as the Aerialbots tell of their failure to release their friend Perceptor from captivity, and the Decepticons' powerful new heat ray weapon.

Again, I must complain about the absurdly indistinct nature of the various Aerialbots. We have here a brief scene of Fireflight, standing at rest, followed by another brief scene of Air Raid standing in a similar position against a similar background. I had to watch it three times before I figured out that two different characters were being shown here, instead of one longer scene featuring one character whose voice changes slightly and erroneously changes colours (a common error on this show).

I used to have a friend named Eric McNaughton, way back in grade eight or so. He told me once that the Aerialbots were okay, so long as you liked the way the transformed. A valid assessment, as all four of the small Aerialbots transform in an identical fashion. I think, as I thought then, that the way the Aerialbots transform blows. I laughed at Eric and told him he was an idiot. I got away with it too, because he was the only person in the school more unpopular than me.

Anyway, back on the subject of Aerialbots and heat rays, "My tail got sizzled!" Air Raid complains, pointing his ass at the screen so we can clearly see the plume of smoke rising from that general area.

"This is grim news indeed." says Optimus Prime, refering mainly to the Decepticons' new super weapon and not so much to the condition of Air Raids' ass.

Suddenly, appearing on Teletran-1's viewscreen, just behind Optimus, is the visage of none other than Megatron himself. Though he appears conspicuously radiant and shiny, the Autobots do not comment upon it.

"Greetings, Optimus Prime!" says the cordial Decepticon leader. Perhaps we at home are meant to believe that Megatron's obvious good health has caused him to turn over a new leaf. But Optimus, unlike the easily duped Perceptor, is having none of it. The stench of the still smouldering Aerialbots is an unnecessary reminder of Megatron's penchant for evil, with which Optimus is already only too well acquainted. But the Autobot Commander's suspicions do nothing to diminish Megatron's congeniality. "I'm releasing Perceptor." he announces.

"Where, and when?" queries Optimus, his arms folded across his chest.

"In Fox Creek Canyon, just three miles from your headquarters."

Optimus knows that his friends' life is likely hanging in the balance. As such, Megatron has him by the proverbial lug nuts. But that doesn't mean he's going to tolerate any dicking around. "When, Megatron?"

"He's there now!" admits the Decepticon chief with glee. "But pick him up before noon."

"What happens at noon?" Prime inquires grimly, sensing the treachery he's expecting is about to be revealed.

The image of Megatron on Teletrans' monitor fades away, replaced by an image of Perceptor in his microscope mode, secured to something that looks, I guess, like an ejection seat from a fighter jet. I couldn't say what the actual function of this object might actually be. It is conspicuously perfect for restraining hostage microscopes, however. We can safely say it is unlikely to be of Decepticon or Autobot manufacture, as it is made from a grey metal.

"At noon, the suns' rays will focus through his lenses, and ignite the fuse of the bomb at the base of his microscope!"

Megatron speaks the truth. Lest we have any doubt, the image on the viewscreen zooms in on the bomb, which looks like a bunch of grey sticks of dynamite chained together.

As Megatron finishes speaking, the scene changes to a vast group of Autobots assembled outside the volcano that the Ark crashed into so many millenia ago. Their commander stands before them and addresses the team.

"Autobots. I'm sure you're all aware we're heading into a trap."

This seems needlessly generous on Optimus' part. The Aerialbots are there, and I bet they don't even know what a trap is. But I digress.

"We must go, or lose Perceptor forever. Megatron will have us on his terms, and on his turf. Autobots! Transform, and roll out!" With that, Optimus and colleagues convert to their vehicle modes to drive or fly the three miles to Fox Creek Canyon.

Megatron has laid his trap well. For what Optimus has yet to understand, and what I neglected to tell you, is that the "ejection seat" that Perceptor is secured to isn't just grey in colour. It's mottled grey and brown in a fashion we have come to understand as being cosmic rusty! Optimus, not knowing about the cosmic rust, now leads an army of Autobots into possible infection! With the Corrostop supply at an all-time low, if not exhausted already, and no new source of Corrostop forthcoming, this can only mean doom for our heroes! Shit!

I was going to quit here, but I kept watching the episode and there's a commercial break just ahead, so I'll keep going until that more organic break in the narrative.

As the first faint rays of the sun emit from Perceptors' lenses, sending a tiny tendril of smoke wafting into the air from the bombs fuse, he tries to break his bonds by transforming, but the bonds prove the stronger.

"Uh! Uuhh! Uh! Uuuhhh!" he says as he struggles, also without effect. A spark flares up on the tip of the fuse.

Just then, Optimus and the Autobots arrive at the top of the canyon wall. "No sign of Megatron." Says Optimus as he transforms." Autobots, stay back!" he instructs. He can clearly see the bomb fuse is now lit and there isn't much time left for dilly-dallying. He jumps down into the canyon besides his captive comrade.

"Optimus! You'll be infected with cosmic rust!" cries out the scientist, and this is the sort of matter on which Perceptor's opinion can be considered expert. But Optimus appears unfazed by this sudden and disturbing complication. "If I don't save you, that bomb will blow you to bits!" counters the Autobot Commander, which should silence Perceptors' protestations for a moment.

Can this be... the end? No, it's just that commercial break I promised! The Transformers will return after these messages!