The Future is Now

Well, as promised, here is my unpublished book. Unlike the others, it is not a novel, but rather a helpful guide to surviving in the not too distant future. I was going to do it in parts, but I changed my mind and put it all here at once. I offer this to you as a public service, free of charge. All I ask is, when the time comes, practice what you've learned here. Without further ado, then, here is:


Everything You Need To Know To Protect Yourself From Robot Invasion


Part One: Introduction

Mankind had known adversity in a variety of forms over the eons. Every generation has a particular suffering to claim as its’ own and every individual knows well what role hardship has played in shaping their lives. Humanity has endured and survived war, genocide, disease, shark attacks, and potato famine. But mankind has yet to face adversity in its most terrible, relentless form. I am, of course, referring to the Robot Invasion.

The exact timing of this new menace is both uncertain and inevitable. That’s why it is imperative that each person begin planning for this eventuality at once. No one can say for sure that the beginning of the end won’t occur tomorrow. If it does, only the prepared will have any chance of surviving for any length of time. That’s where this guide comes into play. Inside you will find all practical and helpful tips and hints you need, presented in a simple, easy-to-understand manner that levels the playing field and gives the poor and uneducated a fighting chance in a world where the filthy rich will be trying to monopolize all the survival opportunities. You will find information on how to build a shelter and how to stock it with supplies, basic wilderness survival, and finally a section on the various types of robots who may wish to conduct an invasion. If you have yourself a copy of “Everything You Need To Know To Protect Yourself From Communist Invasion”, many of the ideas and procedures here will seem familiar. But do not be fooled into thinking that by simply substituting “robot” for “communist” in the old volume, you will lead a long and productive life in the New Machine Order (NMO). Communists and robots aren’t necessarily all that similar and no one plan can sufficiently account for all their potential divergences.


Part Two: So the Robots Have Just Invaded

If the above is currently true and you are now reading this, congratulations on surviving the robot’s initial assault! In this regard, no doubt you are part of a very exclusive club. Fortunately (assuming you didn’t just find this handbook amidst the rubble of the blasted urban landscape), you had the foresight to equip yourself with this volume and followed its instructions to prepare for these circumstances. This will give you the edge you need to survive in only relatively mild discomfort during the coming days of steel and fire. In fact, considering your level of preparedness, you may soon find other survivors looking to you for guidance and leadership. There may be a future for you as a Resistance Cell Leader(RCL), Resistance Cell Coordinator Of Local Activities(RCCOLA), or even a full blown Hero Of the Resistance(HOR). More on that later, though. For now, let’s examine what you did that got you to this point.


Part Three: I Want To Live!

If the above is currently true, congratulations on making the only responsible choice. It is, of course, easy to say that you want to live. What is not so easy is putting in all the effort that is required to stay alive. You’d be surprised by how many times I’ve heard someone say “Sure I’d like to live through the Robot Invasion, but it’s too much work”. However, just by acquiring a copy of this handbook, you have already gone a long way towards rejecting this defeatist notion. So let’s get started… there may not be much time.

Perhaps the single most important aspect of survival in the NMO is a shelter. Without one, the elements, a powerful adversary in their own right, will likely finish you off long before the robots have even begun searching for you. However, unlike your current residence, a quality shelter will have to do much more than merely thwart the forces of nature. This new residence will have to protect you from the countless throngs of metallic automatons who are actively searching you out with little in mind but a strong desire to melt your flesh, not to mention the rest of you, with their energy weapons. So it is not recommended that you merely hide out in your basement. A new structure built for the exact purpose of protecting you from robots is required.

If you were able to construct the nuclear bomb shelter as outlined in “Everything You Need To Know To Protect Yourself From Communist Invasion”, then you are already halfway there. Remember, the robots may launch their invasion with nuclear attacks in your area, so your shelter will need to pull double duty anyway. But with a few modifications, your standard bomb shelter can become a perfectly adequate Anti-Robot Sheltered Environment(ARSE).

Unlike communists, robots are often equipped with a variety of scanning equipment, X-Ray and infrared being the most effective types. These give the robots the ability to see through walls and see temperatures as colours(including body heat). Both are efficient when searching for humans to exterminate. So your shelter should take this into account. It should be one place you can go where the robots cannot find you.

Therefore, your shelter, like a bomb shelter, should be underground. I recommend a minimum depth of at least twenty feet. Most robots you encounter will probably be infantry types, or foot soldiers. They are programmed to serve on the front lines and designed with the expectation that they maybe damaged or destroyed. For this reason, infantry types are often equipped with the least powerful kinds of sensors. No sense wasting more powerful equipment if it is only going to be captured or destroyed. So I just bet that 20 feet of the Earth’s crust will be more than the infantry type’s sensors can penetrate. Lining your shelter with lead or gold will further impede enemy sensors.

When digging your shelter, secrecy is paramount. Do not apply for building permits or anything else that will create a paper trail for the robots to later follow. Do not invite friends to visit your “bitchin’ new pad”. Its location is not information you want them to have when they are being tortured by the godless metal ones. You might want to consider a purchasing a cabin in the wilderness somewhere. Starting digging your shelter under your cabin. Have some means to secretly transport all the displaced dirt off your property. Do not install a phone in your ARSE. You’ll never know when a phone call is a robot trick until it’s too late, so better to not have a phone at all. Which is sort of a nice lead in to the next section.


Part Four: Should I Put It In My ARSE?

There are some essentials that no ARSE should be without. Some are obvious, such as clothes, blankets, toothpaste(Aquafresh Extreme Clean, for example), and hair products(the apocalyptic future is no excuse for poor hygiene. That’s just laziness). Perhaps the most important of these is food. The best kind of food is canned food. By “best” I mean for the purpose of stocking your ARSE only. Under most circumstances, canned food isn’t all that great. But its long shelf-life (in fact, expect most canned foods to outlast most of humanity!) clearly gives it the edge when dealing in events of the unspecified future.

It’s important to remember that not all canned food is created equally. So when shopping, shop smart! Check expiration dates. The longer from now until it expires, the longer it lasts. Your average canned good has a shelf life of 2-3 years. If you happen across a good, fresh batch, you’re maybe looking at a shelf life of up to four years! It might be worth shopping around! Remember, once the robot holocaust occurs, there isn’t going to be any new supply of canned goods, so you might as well get as much as you can, that lasts as long as possible, while you still can.

Do not can your own foods. Even though your family’s secret techniques for canning peaches has kept your ancestors smiling throughout the generations, they’ll be of no use to you in the apocalyptic future. This kind of canning is too easily damaged, resulting in, at best, botulism (which will kill you as surely as any robot), and at worst, a smell that robots with olfactory sensors can detect.

So long as the Robot Empire remains, these canned goods will be your only source of fruits, vegetables, and meat. But there are other edibles that you should use to augment your diet.

Granola bars and chocolate bars are full of carbohydrates and give short term energy boosts. Which, considering the circumstances, is ideal, since you should never plan on being alive for anything more than “short term”. Remember, if you are full of energy when you are killed, then that is energy wasted, and energy wasted = bad (as any robot can tell you. There’s nothing they hate more than wasting energy… they’d rather be wasting you!).

Do not include foods that have strong smells, will expire soon, or require cooking to prepare. Cooking requires an energy source, and your typical robot is unusually adept at detecting energy usage and determining whether that usage is “officially sanctioned”( the generation of energy and usage of said energy shall be conducted only by robots and only for robotic purposes – Robot Law 234.7).



That's all I've got so far... told ya it was unfinished. Some day I might get around to the rest. Who am I kidding... of course I will. I owe it to the world, whether it likes it or not!