Hallowe'en Hoopla
Howdy friends! Your old pal Scarey Larry here with this year's Hallow'update! If you haven't figured by now what makes me so scarey, then you've never smelled my balls! Now on with all the All Hallow's Eve essentials.
Costumes are back in style! After the dismal failure of last year's plainclothes hallowe'en, traditional holiday attire makes a comeback. Snoopy, Boo Berry, Legolas, Buck Adam Tomato, and Posh Spice are all especially popular this year.
Cheese, Please! Politeness counts double! Try to avoid saying things like "Lady, you've got some serious kind of problem. Now give me some candy before I go ballistic."
This is sure to garner a smaller net yield of candy than a more tactful "Please, mum, might I have a bit o' the sweets?"
The lesson: Polite people are more likely to get what the want. So can we please have some decent weather for a change? I've got golf in the morning!LOL!
Just because there are sure to be plenty of devils about does not mean it is a good time to make a deal with one! The Devil will offer you just about anything (excluding, perhaps, a decent fish burger. Some things are beyond even his power.) in exchange for the eternal damnation of your immortal soul. If you are approached by such a being, take a time out for a moment to really think about what you are being offered. Accepting the Devil's offer demonstrates really poor long term planning. If you still find yourself tempted, you may be suffering from low self esteem or clinical depression. Such persons are prone to dissatisfaction and easier prey for the Prince of Darkness. You'd be better off making an arrangement with your local psychiatrist than Satan himself... if you can tell which is which!;)
Know your history! Rarely are rewards presented without having first proved oneself adept at a given function or task. So be prepared to be quizzed on a little hallowe'en trivia at one house or another if you plan to rake in the sugared goods. I'll cover the basics "cliffs notes" style.
Hallowe'en was started in 1778 by a tight knit cabal of closet homosexuals who hoped to bring the British Empire to it's knees by holding the river Thames hostage. When wind of this plot leaked out prematurely, a royal edict went out to all loyal british citizens, that they should disguise themselves as foreigners so that the traitors would have no one to present their demands to.
Thus frustrated, the co-conspirators retired to a local gym, but not so they could work out. Instead, they skipped that part and immediately hit the showers, where they quietly checked out each others bodies while telling themselves they were doing something else entirely. This would prove to be their last self deception however, as Spring Heeled Jack suddenly appeared amongst them. Spring Heeled Jack was a thing of legend, either a man or creature who terrorized London for a time with his fire breathing and unnatural vertical movement abilities. One can imagine that it was Jack's fire breathing abilites that most terrified the dastardly plotters, as their roasted cinders were soon discovered by the evening watchman and his nightbird.
Observing the anniversary of this event soon spread throughout the Empire, and costumes were worn by young and old alike. More monsterous costumes came into favour as a way to honor Spring Heeled Jack's atypical heroics. And all british citizens are looking for a reason to eat more candy anyway, so they just sort of threw that part in there. I mean, my gosh, look at their teeth!
So that should be enough prep to gain you the favour of the sucrose gods this Hallowe'en. Good Luck! And, hey. Don't forget to write in with your tales of Hallowe'en 2005 adventures! We love to read them, and one lucky trick or treater might just get his or her story published! Or not! Who knows these days, with the way the economy is and whatnot!
Costumes are back in style! After the dismal failure of last year's plainclothes hallowe'en, traditional holiday attire makes a comeback. Snoopy, Boo Berry, Legolas, Buck Adam Tomato, and Posh Spice are all especially popular this year.
Cheese, Please! Politeness counts double! Try to avoid saying things like "Lady, you've got some serious kind of problem. Now give me some candy before I go ballistic."
This is sure to garner a smaller net yield of candy than a more tactful "Please, mum, might I have a bit o' the sweets?"
The lesson: Polite people are more likely to get what the want. So can we please have some decent weather for a change? I've got golf in the morning!LOL!
Just because there are sure to be plenty of devils about does not mean it is a good time to make a deal with one! The Devil will offer you just about anything (excluding, perhaps, a decent fish burger. Some things are beyond even his power.) in exchange for the eternal damnation of your immortal soul. If you are approached by such a being, take a time out for a moment to really think about what you are being offered. Accepting the Devil's offer demonstrates really poor long term planning. If you still find yourself tempted, you may be suffering from low self esteem or clinical depression. Such persons are prone to dissatisfaction and easier prey for the Prince of Darkness. You'd be better off making an arrangement with your local psychiatrist than Satan himself... if you can tell which is which!;)
Know your history! Rarely are rewards presented without having first proved oneself adept at a given function or task. So be prepared to be quizzed on a little hallowe'en trivia at one house or another if you plan to rake in the sugared goods. I'll cover the basics "cliffs notes" style.
Hallowe'en was started in 1778 by a tight knit cabal of closet homosexuals who hoped to bring the British Empire to it's knees by holding the river Thames hostage. When wind of this plot leaked out prematurely, a royal edict went out to all loyal british citizens, that they should disguise themselves as foreigners so that the traitors would have no one to present their demands to.
Thus frustrated, the co-conspirators retired to a local gym, but not so they could work out. Instead, they skipped that part and immediately hit the showers, where they quietly checked out each others bodies while telling themselves they were doing something else entirely. This would prove to be their last self deception however, as Spring Heeled Jack suddenly appeared amongst them. Spring Heeled Jack was a thing of legend, either a man or creature who terrorized London for a time with his fire breathing and unnatural vertical movement abilities. One can imagine that it was Jack's fire breathing abilites that most terrified the dastardly plotters, as their roasted cinders were soon discovered by the evening watchman and his nightbird.
Observing the anniversary of this event soon spread throughout the Empire, and costumes were worn by young and old alike. More monsterous costumes came into favour as a way to honor Spring Heeled Jack's atypical heroics. And all british citizens are looking for a reason to eat more candy anyway, so they just sort of threw that part in there. I mean, my gosh, look at their teeth!
So that should be enough prep to gain you the favour of the sucrose gods this Hallowe'en. Good Luck! And, hey. Don't forget to write in with your tales of Hallowe'en 2005 adventures! We love to read them, and one lucky trick or treater might just get his or her story published! Or not! Who knows these days, with the way the economy is and whatnot!
posted by Jamie S. Luxton III | 7:38 AM
4 Comments:
If you want a decent fish burger, try Denny's.
Hey don't tell everyone to wear the Buck Adam Tomato costume, that's mine!
You are an interesting writer. Sorry about your brother. Life isn't easy, is it?
I'm an American in Germany for the year and I must say, it's hard not celebrating the gloriousness that is Halloween. I mean, there are Halloween parties here and stuff, but all the Germans think the dressing up part is dumb. They have their own holiday for dressing up in February.
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