Doob LaVey

A clever combination referencing three of my favorite things: Marijuana, The Church of Satan, and the french alphabet.

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Location: Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada

Long story, but briefly: I once saved a town from Dractyl, the vampiric pterodactyl.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Know Your Enemy part II

Ok, now for the top five most deadly robots. This part is a little bit different than the first, which concentrated mainly on generic types of robots. This last part focuses on indidvidual robots who have distinguished themselves from the faceless masses. This means they should be avoided under almost all circumstances. It's going to require a lot of careful planning to take any of these units out.

5. Faker - This robotic duplicate of He-Man is presumably the most powerful robot in the universe, though there is little empirical evdience to support such a claim. Nevertheless, he is possessed of many of the same abilities as He-Man himself, though possibley to a lesser degree. Unlike most robotic duplicates, Faker is easily distinguished from He-Man in that his skin is blue and he wears an orange version of Skeletors' oufit. Because of this, some speculate that Faker is merely a prototype in Eternia's robot duplicate technology.

4. V'Ger - Considering what a big deal they made about this satellite gone wild it must have been quite the hubbub. I can't really remember, but it took the crew of the Enterprise one whole movie to fight it. Didn't it make that guy melt in the transporter or something? Maybe V'ger, in a new form, was both that thing that talked to whales and also God from Star Trek V. If so, then it would seem that V'ger's power is truly cosmic in scope and on the verge of limitless. What if V'ger's intellect was contained within Lore and it's raw power within the Crystalline Entity? Puts a whole new spin on that one where they teamed up. I guess.

3. Brainiac - The sight of this metallic villain's Skullship hovering overhead has spelled doom for many a world! So if you happen to spot it, there is little cause for optimism. Brainiac seeks to possess all the knowledge in the universe and destroy everything else. This goal makes little sense to our squishy thinkers, but that is what makes Brainiac so dangerous. We have little chance of comprehending his motivation and his means of achieving them. Conversely, there is one factor that his computer brain can never fully account for... the human factor! Our not-necessarily-driven-by-logic behavior is our best chance at confounding him. Realistically though, the only thing that can really stop Brainiac is Superman. And since Superman is a fictional character, when Brainiac actually does show up, we're fucked.

2. Unicron - "Not the Chosen One's" need not apply when it comes to challenging Unicron! Only the Matrix of Leadership can stop this planet sized machine, who's only goal is to consume all matter in existence! Only the Chosen One can open the Matrix of Leadership, so all others who are not Chosen Ones would do well to keep as far away from this thing as possible! A couple of future guides I'm working on, "So You Want To Build a Spaceship" and "So You Want To Steal a Spaceship From Area 51" will be essential to your survival if Unicron shows up in your solar system! Look for them soon!

What diabolical machine can be more threatening than the planet eating Unicron! Read on, and tremble, as I unveil the number one most dangerous robot in existence!

1. C-3P0 - Don't let his golden appearance fool you, this is one droid of no value to your cause. Built by none other that Darth Vader himself, this phantom menace excels at psychological warfare. Watch in amazement as the morale of you and your teammates slowly erodes under his withering barrage of pessimism and generalized anxiety. As if that wasn't enough, among the 6 million forms of communication it claims to be fluent in are the elder tongues of unspeakable horrors that drive men mad! But these are not the only weapons in this droids' arsenal. Though seemingly lacking in any combat ability, it is a poorly documented fact (but a fact nonetheless) that C-3P0 sided with the Battle Droids and took up arms against the Jedi during the battle of Geonosis. Keeps your friends close and your enemies closer, they say. C-3P0 is an enemy that pretends to be a friend, and you don't want it anywhere near you. Shoot on sight.


Anonymous Virgil "The Hammer" Shapiro said...

Wait a minute. If robots are so bad then why, Jamie Luxton, do you own an ED-209? I've seen him in your home! You know the one! The one you have dressed up as a french maid and programed to perform "menial tasks" (nudge nudge wink wink). You come across all helpfull and caring for the future of humanity, yet what you truly want is to be left alone with your precious "ED-na". You're a sick man Jamie Luxton. Oh and P.S. your book sucks.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Jamie S. Luxton III said...

If you'd been paying attention, you'd know that mom kicked me out of the house and thus I've not seen ED-na in almost two months.

Mom better be careful or she might provoke him!LOL

10:06 PM  
Anonymous sealclubbersteve said...

I woulda figured that robotic dog that does back flips woulda rated more dangerous.

12:19 AM  
Anonymous commandantlassard said...

Can you believe I said onformation?
What the hell was that! LOL

12:59 AM  
Blogger Shazamike said...

i was the chosen one once. it was the world na-edd (ha! isnt that funny!) and they were on the brink. i was chosen to be the savior of that poor doomed eco system and all the life it supported. but that night hockey started (horay for hockey!), and my kings layed a wallop on the Edmonton oilers....
Shazam Bitch!
the party lasted till 6 am and i plum forgot about that poor chosen one forsaken planet. ah well, at least we are one more win closer to making the playoffs this year.

11:02 AM  
Blogger uncrucial said...

I'm partial to cyborgs.. particularly the one that appears at the end of Superman 3, whatever his name is.

2:05 PM  
Blogger My mother says said...

Ufo? yup, I agree.. check

6:44 AM  
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