Have You Been Apprised?

Boris Yeltsin's cellular structure is so infused with vodka, he will decompose slower than Lenin, even if you left Yeltsins' body out in the street. It's true!

The customer is, in actuality, always wrong. And when they're not wrong, they're lying. It's true!

When black children get diarrhea, they think they're melting! It's true!

The almighty sarlacc from Return of the Jedi can swallow a jawa sandcrawler whole. It's true!

Your grandma just pissed herself while a masturbating orderly watched. Also, she can't even remember who you are. It's true!

A scorpion will always sting a frog, even in mid-transit across a pond. It's true!

Aliens only visit earth in secret because they're jewish. It's true!

The reason there is so many pedophiles is because there is so many sexy children. It's true!

John Diefenbakers' first Minister of Foreign Affairs was a giant vulture that was said to look into mens' souls, guzzle tequila like nobodies' business, and fart on command. It's true!

The worst thing in the world to be prison cellmates with is a fire elemental. It's true!

Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot and killed while test driving Skeletors' "Land Shark" vehicle. It had an open roof. It's true!


Now you know! For more details, try looking on the internet.

Stay With Us

I was going to post some of my Ottawa Roughriders fanfiction today, but I've been hearing the faintest of grumblings and shadows of dark whispers this morning. So I'd just like to chime in and say what must be said.

Don't be dead, Fidel! The world still needs you, buddy!

Hopefully, this time tomorrow, we'll all be cursing my name as a reactionary fool... Hopefully.

This Thing Again..?

God, what I am supposed to write? Fuck, what a chore. I'm just doing this out of obligation, just so we don't get another month without an update.

Seriously, why do I always have to be the one to do this? Why doesn't somebody else take a turn at this? Go ahead; write something. I don't mind, because really, I got nothing.

Nothing going on in my life, nothing going on in the world. Global warming, war in Iraq, it's all bullshit, I tell ya. BULLSHIT. What's the big deal anyway? Without global warming, the dinosaurs are never going to make their comeback, and without war, scientists will never cyborg them to have laser blasters for hands.

Sometimes I wish I could write this thing in my sleep. You'd see some fucked up shit here then, I guarantee. Like a clock that shows the time going by really fast, except it has cats' tails instead of hands, while "Duel of the Fates" plays in the background. Then when four hours and twenty three minutes in accelerated time goes by, a furry dressed like a manatee gets anally raped by the horn of a unicorn furry.

Now that I mention it, I think what I need is a really good sleep. I feel like I've been awake forever. My eyes feel strained and my vision gets blurry. When I walk around, everything looks like that rainbow racetrack from Mario Kart, and all the stars have eyes. Then when they fall down and you catch one and put it in your pocket, your pants catch on fire.

It must be that my eyes are just playing tricks on me. I saw a black man in town. If you knew this town the way I do, you'd know that HAD to be some kind of optical illusion.

There you have it. Hurray for free association!