What It Is To Be Alone

I am so alone.

I have no family and I have no friends. That's not a literal truth, of course. But emotionally, a truer thing I have never typed.

My family shuns me. Not so long ago, my mom threw me out of the house. Not even cries of "O God! I'll wind up on the streets!" could disuade her. And just when I had started to show my sister just how deep a love I was capable of. Now she shuns me, too.

My friends? Ha (not "LOL"). Who are they supposed to be anyway? Stephanie? Yeah, right. I think now she's just using me. Yesterday I come home and there she is giving some dude a blow job right on my fucking bed!
"What the fuck is this!?" I shout. "Shh. Working." she says out of the corner of her mouth. Then she, you know, goes back to work. Understandably, it takes the dude a moment to get back into it, with me standing there and all, but soon enough he's all "Yeah, baby, just like that."

So there I am and I don't know what to do, and I'm fucking tired. But they're taking up just one side of the bed so I just get undressed and lie down on the other side of the bed (remember, our bed is just a pile of dirty clothes, but very neatly arranged so that it even looks like a bed). I lie there with my back to them while this guy is making noises. I sigh loudly to indicate my disapproval, but I don't think anyone heard me over the dude going "Faster, bitch, faster!"

Then they're done and Stephanie goes and locks herself in the bathroom. The guy gets up and gets dressed and throws a fistful of twenties onto me. "Here. Don't start beating her until I've left."

Then he leaves and Stephanie comes back out of the bathroom. "Sorry about that," she says. " I was too sick to go out tonight."

She counts the money and gets all pissed off because he only left $140 instead of $150. Then she gets dressed and leaves to go get some heroin! Guess she was really sick after all (insert eyeroll face here)! To be fair, though, if she doesn't get her heroin she'll just get even more sick, but to be honest, I'm not all that interested in being fair right now!

My only other "friend" is Marshall, who is right now so insanely jealous of my blogs' popularity, that he tried to throw some rocks through my window last week. Fortunately, he failed, but there's no telling when he might try again, or perhaps something even more insidious is percolating in that devious mind. I can't bring myself to call him, even though I want to. I don't know how he'd react to any sort of peace offering, and I don't want to be made to look the fool
if it's a waste of time. Truthfully, though? I would never have started this blog if I'd known it would come between us like this. Some things are more important than blogs.

I'm seriously considering joining a club or team or society of some kind. I mean, there's something out there for everybody, right? Even furries have their own congregations where they can be with others of their own kind. There's a furry convention at a hotel just a few blocks from here next weekend, that's what made me think of them for that example just now. I wonder if I should go, or if that's something I could get into?

It sounds kind of like fun. You get to wear big mascot costumes, you get to "yiff"( whatever that is), and you get into big piles and pretend to hump each others legs. And when you're not at conventions, you stay home and draw pictures of anime wolves with big cocks and furry tits.

I dunno. Sometimes I wish that I worked all the time so I wouldn't have any free time to contemplate all the shortcomings in my life. Sometimes I wish I was the mighty kraken, taking out my loneliness on passing sailors with my ten tentacles of solitude. Then I'd return to the depths with their corpses and the wreckage... Alone again, but well fed.