State Your Case

One unanticipated effect of this damn little thing here is people from all over the globe are now soliciting my advice. Even people whom I've never met, and, in all probability, never will.

Now, those who know me best will also know that the best advice I can ever offer is "Ask someone else" because it is readily apparent that I haven't got a fucking clue. Or so I thought.

But with so many people now calling apon me to solve their problems for them, it seems I must reconsider my efficacy. So it's time for a new feature here, called "State Your Case". You have problems; I solve 'em. Let's get on with it.


Problem 1- I'm from India, and there's this hot black chick in my class with an ass like two pillows. Should I fuck her or what?

Solution - No. Think about it. Why is it that a purebred pooch is worth fat $$$, yet trying to make the human race into a bunch of mangy mongrels is somehow enlightened? Preserve racial purity, says I. I bet there's plenty of indian chicks with fat asses that nobody's doin'.


Problem 2 - I'd been living on the streets for almost 2 years because I couldn't function within societies restraints. I had a lot of unfocused anger and would blow up at the slightest provcation. that was until a kindly old man took me in andshowed me how to harness that rage in a practical, results oriented fashion. He recently confided to me that there was a psition in his organization opening up that he thinks I'd be perfect for. I think he's a Sith Lord. Should I accept?

Solution - I have a bad feeling about this. Explore options, including therapy, before committing to the dark side.


Problem 3 - When is it okay to practice the love that dare not speak it's name?

Solution - Never. The love that dare not speak it's name dares not for a reason.


PROBLEM OF THE MONTH

Problem 4 - God has been communicating with me directly ever sunday for about six weeks now. the thing is, He's always trying to get me to do chores on this day of resting. He said he send a plague of locusts into my yard if I didn't mend the fence. I think he's drunk. What do I do?

Solution - Dealing with the Divine Creator is a tricky busines at the best of times. One millenia He's dishing out earth shaking catastrophies, the next He's pretending to not exist. So it's hard to know how he'll react to your blasphemy, especially so early in a new milenium. If God is hitting the sauce again, though, it's probably best to get out the hammer and nails and have a coat of whitewash ready to go.


There you have it. Hope I've made the world a better place once again!

Water Pressure and Brown on the "Pow"

I was just in the shower washing my hair when something perplexed me I and no matter how I looked at the situation, I could not find a satisfactory solution to the problem. So, I must turn to you now and ask:

With regards to the "glass half empty/ glass half full" scenario, is it generally assumed that :

1. a) Glass half full = optimist b) Glass half empty = pessimist

OR

2. a) Glass half full = pessimist b) Glass half empty = optimist

I was originally thinking that 1 is correct, that a person who concentrates on "emptiness" would be generally regarded as pessimistic. But you could think of it as someone saying "At least it's only half empty, instead of completely empty". Conversely, it would be pessemistic to think " The glass is only half full, when topped right up would be so much better".

Also, I was wondering if "winking" is obsolete. It definately doesn't seem to be catching on with the kids. So, if it is not already an extinct form of expression, then I postulate that it soon will be.

That's all.

Online Personality Test

Interesting personality quiz I found; Thought I'd share it with you all.

1) The fate of your planet hangs in the balance. Do you:

a) Petition your interplanetary community for assistance?
b) Concoct a solution that may well jeopardize the space-time continuum?
c) Allow your world to perish if it means many more will be spared?
d) Eat "Cheetos" and watch the devastation on TV?


2) You tend to sympathize most strongly with:

a) The baby
b) Tom Selleck
c) Sam Malone
d) Steve Guttenburg


3) Which term best decribes you when used to complete the sentence "People of other races give me the..."

a) Willies
b) Lumpies
c) Yub Yubs
d) Amputations

4) Choose the term that best describes your thoughts when used to complete the phrase "The best things in life are..."

a) Free
b) Illegal
c) Saucy
d) Determined empirically

5) When confronted with a complex problem, you tend to:

a) Fart
b) Procrastinate
c) Solve it
d) Dissolve it

6) Which of the following seems most like "common sense" to you?

a) If you're going to step in shit, wear old shoes.
b) The hairy pussy keeps warm in winter.
c) A mad scientist is one without gainful employment.
d) 1 through 12 make the grades.

7) You must bake a cake for a birthday that happens to fall on Easter Sunday. The cake looks like:

a) A regular birthday cake.
b) The Spear of Destiny.
c) The Easter Rabbit.
d) A scorched disaster.

8) You feel least important when you're around:

a) People who make more money than you.
b) People who are more athletic than you.
c) People who are more socially capable than you.
d) The Justice League.

9) You feel success is best measured in terms of:

a) Money.
b) Personal satisfaction.
c) Recognition from others.
d) Fractions.

10) You would most like to live in a world ruled by:

a) Ernst Stavro Blofeld
b) Vandal Savage
C) Gordon Shumway
d) ALF

11) Milk Bones:

a) Don't taste like milk.
b) Taste best with milk.
c) Are full of calcium.
d) Are for fags.

12) Choose the Transformers quote that most closely matches your own outlook.

a) Expect betrayal and your friends won't disappoint you.
b) Clarity of thought before rashness of action.
c) Cries and screams are music to my ears.
d) Everything is worth something, even me.

13) You would be most likely to join Cobra under who's command?

a) Cobra Commander
b) Serpentor
c) Destro
d) Golobulus

14) Cthulhu rises from the ocean. You:

a) Are paralyzed with fear.
b) Are rendered immobile with terror.
c) Are completely incapacitated by insanity.
d) This is a trick question and says nothing about you personally. It's just a fun hypothetical.

15) You are taking a test and come to the last question. You:

a) Feel confident in your answers.
b) Feel relief that it is over.
c) Feel like you've wasted your time.
d) Feel like you're being watched.

Next time I'll put up the scoring method and personality types descriptions.

Of Courts and Churches

Well I've had the most interesting couple of weeks, that began in court and ended in church. If you're wondering what I was doing court, well, ask yourself why it is that most people wind up in court. Is it because they have broken the law?

Sometimes.

And ask yourself, when people have broken the law, what is it that they have done? Is it that they have broken into government offices in order to retrieve stolen, classified documents?

Sometimes.


As for the church part, my good friend Ryan, who is no stranger to the comments section of this very blog, took it apon himself to get married just a few days past. As children, we'd made a small wager on which one of us would get married first. It seems that I lost, but because he had not only vowed to get married first, but also to marry a barbarian warlord of infamy, I was not required to pay up as this latter stipulation did not come to pass.

As person after person took their place behind the microphone to share their personal humerous anecdotes about either bride or groom, one tale occured to me that, in my druken stupor, I decided to not relate at the time. In retrospect, that was a mistake, and I feel it best to share it now, lest another opportunity to do so not present itself.

Ryan and I have been co-dwellers at several locations throughout this fair city. The one I have in mind was a small house that managed to collect more thn it's fair share of snow upon it's driveway and sidewalk. The winter we resided there had been unusually long and cold, so we had to contend with even more snow than any previous tenant.

So it was during an afternoon of shovelling snow that we were suprised to uncover a vast block of ice in our driveway. We were even more suprised to discover that within this massive ice brick was none other than the prehistoric amphibian known as Icthyostega, one of the first vertebrates to crawl from the primordial oceans.

Naturally, we were very excited by this and quite eager to discover whether the thing had somehow survived it's ages of imprisonment. With great effort, we lugged the ice gaol inside and placed it in the bathtub to thaw. Hours passed slowly as we debated whether he had on our hands the greatest discovery in history or the world's coolest pet.

Finally, the ice thawed, and we carefully observed and poked the thing to see if it still lived. Much to our astonishment, the creature began to move! Quickly, we ran a warm bath for the beast, and tossed in plastic dinosaurs and Ryan's sea monkey's to make it feel more at home.

Then it was off to the kitchen to retrieve a celebratory bottle of wine, in honor of the greatest of all fortunes that had been bestowed apon us. The hours went by, and we periodically checked in on the ancient amphibian, except when "Jeopardy!" was on. that half hour was spent loudly declaring the question to every answer "What is Icthyostega". Much alcohol inspired amusement ensued.

But apon returning to the bathroom, Ryan was the first to realise something was wrong when he lfted our water/air breathing friend from the tub and kissed it, only to find it wasn't kissing him back. Alarmed, we repeated all our checks for signs of life. Only this time... there were none to be found. Icthyostega was dead.

Few have ever known the depair we felt that day. The wails that emanated from our household were of such volume that the neighbourhood banshee called the cops about the racket.

But even as the ancient amphibian died, a revelation was born to me. This thing had been kept alive in ice for 350 million years, only to die after a few hours in our care. God, or somebody, was trying to tell us something. He wanted us to be scientists.

I announced my intentions and Ryan declared that if I was going to be a scientist, then he would be a scientist, too.

But when the great day came to prove my devotion to empirical findings, I overslept. Ryan, true to his word, did not become a scientist because I had not become one.

So whatever became of us? Well, my story can be found right here, updated from time to time. As for Ryan, he confided to me at the wedding that he has mapped all the secret underground border crossings between Mexico and the United States, though he couldn't tell me the value of such information.

Anyway, when we look back at the day God revealed his divine intentions to us and we thwarted his holy scheme to make scientists out of us, we laugh.